Excellent.

Anyways, after watching Johnny Mnemonic I taught myself to cyber-hijack into Al Borges’ gameday laptop. After doing the usual prowling, I changed all of the running, passing, and punt plays to hail mary. I left the field goal plays normal though. Look, after using this strategy in nearly every football video game I’ve ever played it always works so next year don’t be surprised if we score over 100 in all of the games. You can credit me for that. Imagine the announcers saying, “Alright, it’s 4th down and 5, now normally you’d expect to see the punt team coming out but no this is Auburn’s Borges at work. They haven’t punted the ball yet this year, and here they go for the try. Incomplete. Wow. This is absolutely the worst football play calling I have seen in my 35 years of broadcasting.”

You wont get it every time. Anyways, after manipulating some more files I came across this little gem, “SECRET RESTAURANTS.DOC” and I checked it out. I visited these places and had a few thoughts of my own.

Tasty Lunch: Block & Barrel Deli

A lot of people don’t know about the Block and Barrel Deli over near the Airport. I’ve been there several times. The thing about lunch in Auburn is that you’re either going downtown, which involves parking and walking, or you go “thru” a drive thru and have to face the traffic and long lines. And you’ll probably have a near miss collision with several pedestrians. At this place, you just drive up and do it.

They offer a variety of sandwiches and boast desserts that sound pretty good. The sandwiches are cut with some of those big chunks of meat that Block and Barrel stores are known for. One time I had asked one of my friends if she wanted to go eat lunch at the deli. Apparently she took it as a date or something like that. Well, in typical girl fashion she got a salad but they didn’t have “Ultra Mega Diet LiteRanch.com” so she got barbeque sauce instead. Which is weird. She told me later that she was irritated that I didn’t actually “take her out” for lunch. To make matters worse I also brought along my roommate Lawson to further confuse her.

What it is – Good, inexpensive sandwiches, Down home “small town” atmosphere.

What it isn’t – A place to take picky Carolines.


Post-Workout Pounding : Byron’s Smokehouse

You’ve all heard about it from Tommy Tuberville or drove past it on Opelika Road. But have you ever dared to venture in? Nestled beneath some grungy car lots and garages is Byron’s. I’m not going to hold back here, I don’t like barbeque in Auburn. I’m from Huntsville and you honestly cannot beat Lawler’s or Gibson’s. Soft, juicy pulls of pork define barbeque for me. No hard stuff or skins, just tender meat. When I came to Auburn my childhood dreams of barbeque were brutally smashed as I was exposed to this concept called “chipped” and “chopped” meat – all I knew before was that you ordered a BBQ sandwich and that was that.

But here, you have those new, scary options. And they were still good, but the meat just seemed dry and chopped way too small, compared to what I was used to. Not only that but I have seen some restaurants scoop out the BBQ and plop it down like ice cream. BBQ is not ice cream, but if it was – that would be awesome in a Ryan kind of way – which I’ll leave to you if that is a good thing or not. Anyways, I’ve found that Byron’s is the closest to what we Huntsvillians call “barbeque.” Not only are the sandwiches good, but they also have some other important things.

For one, after 5pm college students can get a deal where $5 will get you TWO sandwiches, a side and a drink. The hardest part is deciding, “Do I eat the extra sandwich now… or later!”

It may be the hardest thing you decide all week.

Also, the potato salad is pretty awesome, with big chunks of potato and uh… chives or whatever else is in the “salad.” I have yet to try any ribs or anything else they have to offer because the $5 deal is hard to refuse. However, I highly suggest going here to help you save money and also get some solid BBQ.

What it is: Southern BBQ and the like (chiggin, sandwiches, etc.) Good potato salad. $5 deal is incredible.

What it isn’t: What I’m used to, but it’s still good. It also is probably not a place to take Caroline.

Multi Mexican Mash Mix-em-up

Durango, Laredo, Cancun, and Tino. Opelika Road has turned into the Baja peninsula. And we get to benefit from it. It is said that chips and salsa can define one’s college experience. So where to go? We chose Tino’s – and why? – because the sign out front has scorpions on it, duh.

After a rough day of fishing, Brad “El Toro Grande” and Ryan “La Rinoceronte Gringo” and myself trudged in and ordered two Gs and an F. In a very short period of time we were rewarded with a load of food that could have easily fed 25 schoolchildren. The chips and salsa were plentiful and good. Mexican fare is basically indistinguishable, but there are external factors that might make you want to go to Tino’s, such as location and crowd. It’s easily noticed heading toward Opelika and there is usually not a big crowd, as opposed to some of the better-known restaurants. One thing that bugs me the most about eating is the wait to be seated.

As I like to say, “Having to wait at a Mexican restaurant isn’t American.”

What it is: Good quality Mexican with great chips & salsa.

What it isn’t: Italian.

Maybe if it weren’t for those Liberals in America, we wouldn’t have to wait so long at Outback. Call-ahead seating is one of the biggest jokes I’ve ever heard. We went to Outback a while ago and called ahead, and told we’d have to wait 30 minutes. But we called ahead? No, that only means you get to jump in line of the people who are already waiting – and still wait some. Good food though.