Pas moi, mon chere. Instead, I’m writing this pathetic “article.” Today’s topic that I will refer to once but then completely ignore is: bowl games. As you may well know, we are playing Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. Wisconsin is a school up north and is named after a state. You heard it here first. They harvest snow and cheese. It’s quite a life, I’ve heard. However, it leaves little time for fancy things in life, like Lindsay Lohan movies, warm water, and football. (Aside: is Lindsay Lohan still cool?) Regarding football, here is a good quote from Yahoo! Sportswriter Stewart Mandel,

“Capital One (Jan. 2): Auburn (9-2) vs. Wisconsin (9-3). Talk about deceivingly similar records. The Tigers won at Georgia, beat Alabama and took LSU to overtime. The Badgers ... umm ... well they blocked that punt to beat Minnesota.”

Yep, well that’s that. I don’t want to divulge any other sports analysis because I have no idea what I am talking about. There are more pertinent things to talk about, such as the fact that on facebook there is a group devoted to the universal standard that “men shouldn’t drink out of straws.” Uhh...? I’m not even sure how to respond to that. The group has like 200 members. I wasn’t aware that it was feminine to drink out of straws.

Before you start calling me Nancy, know this: I’m all about being a man. Playing sports, fishing, outdoors, eating, using brute force, and saving women in distress all run thick through my veins. I don’t even use a stapler – I use my forehead to bind important papers. I think I’m quite secure with my manhood so if I want to use a dang straw I may and I will. I mean, I’m so manly, the song playing right now on my playlist is “Molly’s Chambers” by Kings of Leon! That’s like 30cc’s of testosterone right there. And lets see what the next one is! Uhh… “Last Christmas” by Wham. Ok, maybe the next one then… “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac.

Ok, lets change the subject. Exam season means “the holidays” are approaching. I’m sure you’ve all read the CAMPUS CONNECTION EXTRA that was sent out. And you’ve read Mark’s article concerning the “holiday tree.” I’m not going to say too much about that, I think the whole situation’s lunacy speaks for itself.

When I was younger (1st grade), our school put on holiday performances for our parents. These productions were nothing short of Broadway, as you might imagine. I clearly remember singing songs about a “draydull” and seeing a candelabra, all with strange Japanese-looking figures surrounding them. We could have been talking about pro forma income statements, for all I knew. The only thing that mattered to me was that there was some exaggerated 3-foot tall cardboard toy that you could spin around on stage. Needless to say, several children were knocked out during the program. We sang some foreign sounding song, wandered around the stage, probably pushed over some “silly” girls (stupid was a bad word back then), and then went home. What did I care? I was in 1st grade, all I wanted was a chocolate Popsicle when I got home, and then bedtime at 8:00, and rise and shine at 6:00, ready to watch cartoons (fully rested.) The whole point to this is… I participated in a Jewish ritual and had no idea. The “draydull” was of course a dreidel, the candle holder a menorah, and the Japanese letters were Hebrew. I wonder if schools are still allowed to do such performances without consent, like mine did. I guess the 90’s were just so crazy and free, man!!! (You know you want to say that to your kids someday.) And maybe you will, but I sure hope we don’t have to.

Looking back now, I could care less that I participated in Jewish traditions, if not just for show. We also did a Christmas scene complete with a three foot tall Santa. He was one of my friends. So here we sit in Auburn 15 years later, and out of political correctness we are calling a Christmas tree a “holiday tree.” I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but I think that a Christmas tree does NOT offend the majority of other holiday groups. Maybe a Nativity scene, but not a Christmas tree. If there were a massive menorah out there, I wouldn’t mind, I would respect that. Besides, I bet those candles would have some pretty decent firepower. Regardless of these stupid (badword) politics, lets all relax and enjoy our break and our beards.

Oh yes… But what I really want to know about is that group on facebook about straws and men. I’d like for someone to explain that one to me.

Take it easy kids.

wilson can be contacted at wilson@theauburner.com