In the past, some people have questioned my credentials and my authority to divulge to you the secrets of the mind. So, once again, allow me to elaborate. I participate in a program at Auburn called “BET” as a Business major. This does stand for Black Entertainment Television, and let me tell you, you’re hilarious for this pointing out to me. I’ve only heard it about 73 other times. In our context it stands for Business-Engineering-Technology… it’s a program where business students work with engineering students, and we paint pretty pictures and hold hands, you know, team building stuff. Through this program, I’ve learned many things about the elusive engineers and their habits. And there’s also the fact that I live with one too, that definitely doesn’t make anything better.

In today’s installment, I will attempt to shed some light into the personalities behind the two majors. Of course, doing so would require quite a dissertation, so this article may turn itself into a series. This will begin my second series on the auburner, along with the “Best of Auburn” series. Needless to say, who knows if/when the next installments will come. But here we go. Today’s topic:

The History of Engineering

Once upon a time, the easygoing inhabitants of the world were hunters and gatherers who foraged around the wild, untamed planet. Gold burst from beneath the earth- not lava, everybody lived on the beach and instead of airplanes, people rode around on massive eagles. There was an occasional human sacrifice or “wheel” created, sure, but other than that life was pretty simple.

One day, circa 1984 B.C., there was this dude we’ll just call “Stephens.” Stephens was riding on his huge eagle, Tum-Tum, and he was going far, far up into the sky. So high, in fact, that they ran into some clouds. This frightened Tum-Tum so much that he bucked and Stephens was thrust off into the wild blue yonder. Luckily, they were over the ocean. A couple of miles later, Stephens splashes into the ocean and swims to the shore. As he gets to the shore, Stephens, in a seemingly unrelated incident, begins to have incredibly detailed theorems and equations blast through his head. When he attended the party that night, (there was a party every night back then), Stephens noticed that the ladies didn’t talk to him that much. This was strange because he was usually the ladies’ man and was popular in all of his business courses.

The next day, he invented Air-Conditioning. People began to build homes and technology began to flourish as Stephens created his own university and instructed the people. Strangely, no one knows what happened to Stephens after this incident; it is hypothesized that he lived his final days as a hermit in Eastern France. Subsequently, the newfound technology caused the gold to stop flowing, and the eagles morphed into pyramids… I’m not sure why. And thus, this began life as we now know it, a life with a thing called Engineering.

Because of Stephens and his pupils, we are forced to deal with Engineering’s most brutal offspring:

1. McDonalds / obesity,
2. Illegal filesharing,
3. Time machines,
4. English Comp II,
5. Fall Out Boy,
6. Underwear,
7. Social awkwardness.

Yes, I’m afraid these were the only things created by Engineering, although you may think otherwise, and you can thank the liberal media for that. Anyways, you’re in luck… whilst writing this article, I have already pretty much prepared the second one, so there will be a continuation. Next weeks topic: “Business and Engineering students spar with words not swords; A Roundtable Discussion” featuring rampant stereotypes and Ryan.

Wilson can be contacted at wilson@theauburner.com