Destiny would have it that the Wendy’s here at Auburn is not open at midnight during the summer. Therefore we took the next logical step of the evening and relocated to ‘McDonron’s’ (McDonald’s) where Wilson and I ordered a healthy dosage of ‘Chiggin’ McDanklets’ (Chicken McNuggets… a hilarious name in itself). As we are waiting for our food, we notice two very attractive ladies wandering around about 13 yards away (equivalent to the yards per carry for Kenny Irons as well as Brad Lester against Ball State last season) and I nudge Wilson and say “Hey, why don’t you roll down the window and say something to them?” Wilson looks back at me and with complete confidence he says “Wait, they will come to us.” About 4 seconds later they come up to the car and ask if we can give them a ride. Wilson, without my consent (none was necessary) replied “Sure, come on in! Ryan, unlock the door!” There are too many things going through my head at the time. I was somehow trying to apply the “Don’t get into cars with strangers” theory to this, and that somehow I was placed into the creepy guy who kidnaps girls position. So my immediate reaction was to make it painfully obvious that I wasn’t a bad guy. One of them complimented on how cool my hat was (and it is awesome) and I immediately responded with “I’M NOT A RAPIST! I mean thank you!”
I am warned months in advance that I will be driving a chick somewhere. And
I can therefore clean out all of the crap that will undoubtedly drive a chick
away. I was not given this opportunity and I took this picture retrospectively
to show what all was in my back seat:
The contents are as follows:
-A ziplock bag half-filled with change
-A blue sweat rag used for working out at the SAC
-Instruction manual to a video game
-A copy of the slideshow I helped make for my church with my name on it
-Several Reinstallation CDs for my recently crashed computer
-A recently used minnow bucket which smells like dead fish
-A paper bag with directions to a hotel in Columbia, South Carolina written on it
-Empty Cheerwine and water bottles along with various crumbs and sand
we show up at their apartment and Wilson continues his aggressive attack and
asks if we can come up to eat our McDonron’s. Once again, I am baffled
that they said yes, and we head up to their apartment, only to find the other
roommate holding a huge ball of fur in the kitchen and tells us that we weren’t
allowed to come in, the first logical thing that happened all night. In retrospect,
I assume that the ball of fur was actually a very poorly groomed dog or a
really fat kitty. It was fun while it lasted.
On the drive home, I ask Wilson to see if my ‘McDanklets’ came with any ‘Swank and Power Pulp’ (Sweet and Sour Sauce). There was none to be found, and therefore another trip to McDonron’s was necessary. Sadly the line was roughly 8 cars deep and I didn’t feel that it was worth the wait. So I took it upon myself to pull the munch-mobile up next to the car already at the delivery window and ask the people within if they have any Sweet and Sour Sauce. It didn’t occur to me how rude this was, but I needed that Swank and Power. The kind gentlemen in the car got me a couple of packet and I reach out and got them, suddenly one of the guys in the back seat says “Hey, is your name Ryan?” and I said “Yeah, how did you know” and he said “From the Auburner right? I get bored at work.” I completely ignored the fact that he immediately gave an excuse for visiting our site and jumped out of the car like a gitty little child and shook his hand. I then proceeded to lean over and look at all the guys in the car and ask “Hey, do any of these guys go to the website?” and Jay (the guy’s name) says “No” and then I realized how much I was embarrassing him. The fact of the matter is that someone recognized me and made it painstakingly clear that people typically don’t like me. Jay, I’m sorry I acted like an idiot in front of your friends. I hope you enjoyed your McDonron’s.
That was Friday. Now onto Saturday:
The other day I received an email that goes like so:
- you're hilarious. I wish you were still in Birmingham so I could make you
my new best friend! I'm an AU grad ('03) and grew up in Auburn, so I'm back
there quite a bit, not to mention for every football game. I'd love to buy
you a beer or a Reeces Cup Blizzard. Heck, we could even go to the Olive Garden.
:) I love the picture in the Work v. College article. There used to be a girl
who walked around Auburn's campus with a seeing-eye Shetland pony, who I imagine
she got for cheap since it led her in front of my car on more than one occasion.
Anyhoo, just wanted to say hi and tell you (as I'm sure you're aware) that you're funny and y'alls site usually gets me through the 2:00 hour at work.
Obviously she was totally digging me, so I decided to seal the deal quickly.
(These emails are real)
Let's cut all the crap and get to the point. Obviously we are both too cool to be messing around with lesser beings, such as the general public. We need to go ahead and start making some babies. Our children will be as brilliant (or even more so) as we are and will rule the world on our behalf, allowing for early retirement. How does that sound? That came out pretty creepy, but I don't believe in backspacing.
Oh well, thanks for writing in and I'm glad that you enjoy our humble little site! I feel its necessary to return the compliments and tell you (as you already know) how freakin' cool you are. If you don't mind answering, how did you come across our website? anyways, thanks for writing in and feel free to drop a line if you are even back in Auburn for a game or something!
hadn’t responded for days. So I simply assumed she didn’t get
the email. I immediately had my research team (Mark) who supplied me with
an address, a phone number, and a blood type. I said, “Mark, how do
you find all this information about people?” Mark gives the one word
answer “Google.” Oh… right… the internet, yeah.
So arrangements are made and we meet up, each with our own entourages. I show up with Wilson, Dude, and Girlface and she shows up with three of her girlfriends. Immediately after I finally met Katy face-to-face, Dude plunges out of his chair and sprawls across the floor. We all have a good laugh as Dude lays mangled across the floor, hopeless and injured. Easily one of the best spills I have ever seen. That’s pretty much the end of the story, we just hung out after that and everyone was pleased with how great I am. The end.
on the fact that the amount of hilarious emails that we receive is starting
to build up, we here at the Auburner are declaring it open season to post
any of your emails on the website for the hilarity of everyone. You can look
forward to some “Auburner Mailbag” articles in the future.
Ryan can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org