Working your way to the top
5-26-05
By: Ryan

Due to the fact that you followed my fail-proof plans for creating the perfect resume and nailing your interview, you have landed the summer job of your choice and despite the fact that your employer assumes that you are the perfect being, it is still necessary to do some climbing of the corporate ladder. You have come this far using my expert advice, now it is time to put even more of my knowledge into practice. Here is my guide for getting to the top.

When you show up for your first day of work, you may be nervous, but don’t tell anyone except women that you are nervous. Female colleagues will find your nervous side cute because women love seeing the vulnerable side of men. Why is it important that you let the women think that you are cute? It is because we are going to need all of the support we can get for this plan to succeed. Men will see nervousness as weak, so tell your male colleagues that you just finished working out or that you just fought off a pack of coyotes on the way to work this morning, yeah you’re a man’s man now!

By the way, if you are a chick, none of these rules apply to you because you already know what you have to do to get promoted… dress sleazy and hit on the boss. If your boss is a female, then tell her that you are a feminist and that housewives have no place in today’s world, she’ll be sure to promote you then.

Back to the rest of us. Always bring lots of candy and give them to your coworkers. This way they will side with you if the boss thinks that you are planning a corporate overthrow (which you are) and attempts to fire you. I did the same thing in 4th grade when I was running for student body Vice President. My slogan was R.S.V.P: Ryan Stephens for Vice President, anyways I gave a bunch of candy to all the 1st and 2nd graders and solidified their support, and then proceeded to win the election over a 5th grader which is unprecedented, or maybe I just made that up. The point is that you must gain the trust of all the workers (the little guys) around you; you will need their support later.

Use the bathroom as often as possible, it is free and accessible. Brush your teeth, wash your hands and face, bath your entire body if possible. The water is free and it will save you tons on your water bill if you do all of your bathroom related activities at work!

Here comes the tricky part, you must sabotage your boss. In every business there are people that monitor what you look at on the internet. So the next time that your boss goes on lunch break, sneak into his office and type in all sorts of weird, incriminating stuff, like Ihatemyjob.com, Iamgoingtosetfiretothisbuilding.net, Iamreallybadatmyjob.org, theauburner.com, Idespisemyboss.gov, Ilookatpornallday.com and so on. I think that the overseers will get the message quite clearly.

So when they fire your boss for attempting to log into such horrible, yet mostly non-existing websites they will be looking for someone to take over his position. That’s when you give your Oscar-worthy speech which should go something like this:

“Fellow coworkers of (insert business name here)! I am here not because I have any concern for this company, but because I want to take the job of my former boss. You may be concerned with my lack of actual work experience and that my entire life is completely void of any form of work ethic. But remember who gave you that Tootsie Roll last Friday, it was me! Remember who gave you that Jolly Rancher that same day, it was me! So people of (insert business name here), please accept my self nomination for the Senior Advisor of Sales position! I will not leave you behind! I am taking this company to greater heights than anyone could have possibly imagined! Join me!”

At that point the entire office building should erupt in applause and the president of the company will fear that giving the position to anyone else will lead to mutiny. And once you get the position, do the same thing again and again until you are the CEO.

But then the end of the summer will come along and you will need to go back to college, so you will need a classy way to quit your job, since you are now obligated to working year-round and making more money than anyone on the Yankees. So I suggest that you throw a party in the middle of the office building, which will have live music, lots of cake and snacks, big air-filled bouncy, amusement things (like all the attractions at Tiger Nights) and of course a huge bonfire in the computer room. No one will agree that the bonfire is necessary but since you are the boss, they must do what you say. The bonfire will obviously spread throughout the building and ultimately bring the whole thing down. Hopefully no one will get hurt, but luckily everyone will then be out of a job, including yourself, and you can go back and enjoy your fall semester (that means Auburn Football!). WAR EAGLE!

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com