Summer Movie Preview
4-15-08
by: Ryan

April 25th
I want to see: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. This movie is like idiot candy. After 5 years of college (that’s how long it’s supposed to take, right?) my mind has been degraded into a variably viscous mush. This movie will enjoy eating what was barely left of my intellect with an hour and a half of complete idiocy… I can’t wait.

I DON’T want to see: Baby Mama. This movie is about Tina Fey hiring Amy Poehler as her surrogate mother. Why should I, or anyone, endorse Tina Fey? She single-handedly destroyed Saturday Night Live. And the main joke of the movie is that Amy Poehler is supposed to be a disgusting slob and Tina Fey is an OCD work-a-holic. Okay, so Tina Fey is annoying and Amy Poehler is unattractive, WE GET IT ALREADY! Quit rubbing it in .

May 2nd
I want to see: Iron Man. I love Robert Downey Jr. even if he is kind of a freak off the camera. Which brings me back to the point I’ve always had toward weird actors: I don’t care what they do off camera. If I went to a movie based of whether or not I would like the actor in real life then I would never be able to go to the movies. That’s right, I still like Tom Cruise as an actor. Back to Iron Man, why wouldn’t I want to see computer animated robots destroy each other? I wake up every morning hoping to see such a blessed sight.

I DON’T want to see: Made of Honor. GET IT! INSTEAD OF ‘MAID,’ THEY SAID ‘MADE!’ This is a crappy Hugh Grant movie that even Hugh Grant thought was too stupid to star in, so they got Hollywood’s newest super-tool Patrick Dempsey to make a movie so terrible that it mocks the American Dream. Patrick Dempsey is a terrorist! .
 
May 9th
I DON’T want to see: Speed Racer. This is where I am supposed to put the movie that I DO want to see, but this movie looks terrible. Sure there are plenty of special effects, and the likelihood that there is actually a plot is absolute zero, along with the fact that I never cared for the original Japanimated 80’s cartoon of the same name… Okay, I’ve talked myself into wanting to watch this movie. This movie was made for a moron like me.

I DON’T want to see: What Happens in Vegas. Yes, Cameron Diaz is hot, and yes Ashton Kutcher is kinda funny. However, I live in Auburn. Why would I pay 10 bucks to see a hot chick and a guy act like an idiot when there are about 20 frat parties that I can go to for free and get the same experience? .

May 16th
I want to see: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. The first one was pretty awesome, but I already knew what was going to happen because I saw the cartoon version when I was a kid (I certainly didn’t read the book… I hardly like reading enough to proof-read what I right, let alone a best selling novel). So my conclusion about this movie is that it will be awesome because I won’t see anything coming this time around.

I DON’T want to see: Anything else. No one is daring enough to release their movie on the same weekend as The Chronic. Wise move.

May 23rd
I want to see: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Indiana Jones might be the greatest trilogy ever created, next to the original Star Wars Trilogy and Final Destination. Harrison Ford still looks like he could beat the crap out of me, and he’s in his late 60’s (looks infinitely better than Sly Stallone in Rocky VI). Then again, I don’t imagine myself as much of a fighter anyways, since there has never been an engineer who could fight… that’s why we made guns and missiles.

I DON’T want to see: Anything else. Another non-daring move by all other film-makers to avoid going bankrupt on opening weekend.

May 30th
I DON’T want to see: Sex and the City: The Movie. Are you kidding me? First of all, the whole premise of this movie/series is stupid. Secondly, the only reason you would want to make a TV series into a movie would be to show stuff that you normally couldn’t on your show. Sex and the City was originally on HBO, where they could show whatever they wanted anyways, granted I still wouldn’t want to see it. I can only imagine the further they push the line in this movie, the grosser it will be.


I want to see: Nothing. There's classier entertainment on YouTube than in the movie theaters this week. I guess Hollywood is pushing all their crappy movies to this weekend so that they don’t have to fail on the same weekend as Indiana Jones or Narnia.

June 6th
I want to see: Kung Fu Panda. This movie might as well be about me. First of all, Jack Black is somewhat of an older, chubbier version of myself. Second of all, if I were to compare myself to any animal, it would probably be a panda. So in a sense, this would be like watching a cartoon version of myself… only the first 30 minutes of this movie is worth more than I’ll ever amount to in my entire life.

I DON’T want to see: You Don’t Mess With The Zohan. This latest Adam Sandler flick is destined to fallow the trend of his all his latest movies: each movie is a bit worse than the one before it. I would love to pledge my allegiance to the mastermind who did Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, but I can’t shake the feeling this is going to be another ‘Click’ or ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’… his movies were a lot better when they didn’t try to make a point. Also, he sounds too much like Borat in the trailer.

June 13th
I want to see: The Incredible Hulk. From what I understand, they did this one right (as opposed to the 2003 Hulk, which actually tried to have ‘heart’) and have completely ruled out any hope of plot development other than the fact that you should not make Bruce Banner angry (But he always does!). I’m looking forward to another mind-numbing special effects extravaganza watching multiple giants with unnatural skin color beat each other up in an urban environment.

I DON’T want to see: The Happening. It’s come to the point where I already know that M. Night. Shyamalan is going to throw a twist at the end of his movies, and therefore the twist isn’t satisfying anymore. But then again, if I go to an M. Night Shyamalan movie and there isn’t a twist, I will feel ripped off. In other words, there is no point in going to see this movie. The biggest twist he could throw at the end of this movie is if the movie actually didn’t suck.

Part II coming soon.

E-mail Ryan at ryan@theauburner.com

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