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Spring
Break 2005 Review
4-7-05
By: Ryan
For
Spring Break I went down to Destin along with the rest of Auburn.
There are a few truths about the beach that I have found necessary
to tell you about… plus I have nothing better to write about.
1) As it turns out, there is a filter at the tolls leading into
Destin preventing any ugly chicks from infiltrating the white sands
of the beach. I have never seen so many attractive people in my
life, as far a females are concerned. I’m not the best a figuring
out what attractive guys look like, but I’m pretty sure that
the ladies were not impressed by the abundance of back hair and
horrible blotchy sunburns that almost every guy had. If you are
a chick and went to the beach, then that means two things: you are
hot and a bunch pale fat guys have hit on you.
2) Despite the assumption that girls would lower their standards
for spring break, they still will NOT EVEN HUMOR ME! My friends
and I went over to some girls house that was strictly inhabited
by a bunch of sorority girls, and I thought that maybe, just maybe,
I can attempt to branch out and talk to a girl. I see a chick, whom
I assumed was at least close to in my league, and I go over there
and say “Is this where all the cool people sit?” and
she was like “Ummmm, yeah” in a really reluctant voice.
I figured that was a relatively witty remark, not something that
would UTTERLY DISGUST SOMEONE. I ask her what she had been up to
this spring break and she GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY. I was depressed
for about the next two minutes before I gave it another shot, but
to no avail. As much fun as that sounded, it got even more fun when
we were bombarded with frat guys. All wearing their glasses around
their neck, along with their camouflage Auburn hat, short-short-short
khaki shorts, and of course the bright yellow or pink shirt with
the collar propped up. And despite all of them being incredibly
fat, sunburned, hairy oafs, all the girls swarmed over to them.
Was I really into the sorority chicks? Not really, but I thought
it would be funny having a loser engineer hit on a sorority chick.
It’s kind of like watching a bulldog sniffing a poodle’s
butt, I don’t care who you are, that’s freakin’
funny.
3) Every last guy (including myself) had on swim trunks decorated
with flowers. Every last one. I was going to bring some plain blue
swim trunks with just a couple of white stripes down the side, but
like an idiot I left that back in Auburn along with my beach towel
and sunglasses. If you were to guess what I where I was going based
on what I packed, you would assume that I was going to a Dave Matthews
concert instead of the beach. Anyways, I go into one of the FIFTY
THOUSAND SURF SHOPS that they have in Destin and I go over to the
swim suit section, where I spot some blue, orange and white swim
trunks, and I think “This is awesome, just like Auburn, plus
it’s original!” Sadly, my trunks were as rare as all
of those freakin’ “Vote for Pedro” shirts (you
guys are going to feel really freakin’ stupid once it all
blows over).
4) Queen Latifah is horrifically overrated. One of the headlines
on the USA Today that I got with the hotel room was “The Beauty
of Latifah.” I did not dare even look to see what they thought
was so beautiful about her. I guarantee you that she is Shaq with
a wig on. And worse yet, it turns out that she was awarded the “Who
I want to be like-award” at the Nickelodeon’s Kid’s
Choice Awards. What a horrible omen. Wow, we get to look forward
to an entire generation of giant female ghetto ogres trouncing around
like they own the place. It is my solemn vow that Queen Latifah
will fall, and the earth will shake… or quite possibly be
knocked completely out of orbit. Here’s a message to the children
whom I know aren’t reading: Don’t look up to Queen Latifah,
I’d rather you look up to Mark, Jacob, Todd, myself and all
the other writers of the Auburner. That way you will learn to whine
about things you know nothing about.
5) If there is a popcorn machine in the lobby of your hotel, be
careful not to touch the scolding hot popcorn popper inside, because
it will give you a second degree burn.
6) Beach volleyball is infinitely excellent. My friends and I played
against a family including an old guy, two disproportionately hot
daughters, one little girl and a ten year old boy. This family destroyed
us in the first round, considering one of our players hit the ball
into his own face three times. We generated a small crowd watching
us suck against various opponents, but afterward this chick came
up to us who seemed nice, and she talked to us asking where we were
from. We said Auburn, and her two guy friends behind her were yelled
out “Auburn sucks! LSU will beat them anytime anywhere!”
If the statement weren’t so blasphemous and utterly illogical,
I would probably have come up with an interesting comeback like
“Are you gay? Do the numbers 10-9 mean anything to you? Why
would you threaten a school that is so incredibly superior in every
way? How about we play on September 18 of last season and see who
wins? Oh wait, the refs held your hand through the entire freakin’
game and we still came back and made you look stupid.” And
then I’d give all my friends a high five and everyone would
be like “Ooooooooh! You got SERVED!” But in a state
of shock all I could muster up was, “Uhh, ok.” Oh well,
he’ll end up losing in life anyways, because LSU sucks.
7) What has Queen Latifah done that is so freakin’ great?
Bringing Down the House? Taxi? Her movies are the number one killer
into today’s society through BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH! Her only
claim to fame is the early 90’s smash hit “U.N.I.T.Y.”
Remember that horrible song? Her career should have ended then and
there, but instead she probably beat up or sat on all the people
who said no to her and pounded her way into movie roles.
8) Don’t get a room with a window facing the sunrise. We were
forced into waking up at the crack of butt every morning because
apparently the Holiday Inn could not afford curtains that didn’t
allow 100% of the sunlight to pierce our eyes every morning at 7:00.
9) Whenever you are faced with a decision during this week, yell
“Spring Break 2K5” and do the least logical thing possible.
If you are waiting to walk across a busy road, and one of your friends
says “Do you think we can make it?” Yell “Spring
Break 2K5!” and sprint across the road refusing to look anywhere
but forward. Or if you are one of my friends, you ask yourself “Hmmmmm,
there are hot chicks everywhere, but wait, there are two middle
school Goth chicks over there, should I talk to them and invite
them up to our room to play some cards? … Spring Break 2K5!”
All this information would have helped me a lot had I known it at
the beginning of the week. But now we re-enter the “real world”
of college at Auburn where I sleep more during the week than on
weekends. As much fun as spring break was, I think being at Auburn
is better than a vacation, there is no place I’d rather be.
WAR EAGLE
Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com
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