Resume Tips
5-23-05
By: Ryan

Around this time of year it is common for a college student to get a summer job. For most people this can become quite a struggle and since I am a trained professional in all the ways of business, engineering and illusions I am going to give you a three part series on how to get your job and do your job well, including tips on creating your resume, interview do’s and don’t’s, and a guideline to working your way up the corporate ladder.

Resume tips:

First things first, the most important thing about creating a resume is to lie. No one wants to hire a slacker like you, which is why it is crucial that you convince your overseer that you are not only an acceptable employee, but an exceptional employee. Here are some good topics to lie about: Work experience, grades, weight, extra curricular activities, age, gender, your name and especially your capabilities. Tell them that you can type 120 words per minute and you are fluent in 4 languages and that you are best friends with John Stamos.
Do not include too much contact information. It would be wise to put false information here, considering you lied about everything on the resume. I would only put down your cell phone in the case that they might try to call one of your references, which you will have used Al Borges and Verne Troyer (AKA Mini Me), even though neither of them know you.
Use poetry.

Everyone likes a poem, especially those who are looking for someone to work for them. May I suggest a limerick or a haiku?

Let me give you an example:
No one likes a poot
Eager squeaver meager swag
Hillary Clinton

Use big numbers. Instead of putting “I expect a salary of $1.2 million” use “I expect a salary of $1,200,000.00. If you throw a bunch of zeros at them, they will be more likely to be intimidated, and therefore more likely to submit to your commands. It’s even a good idea to throw in a phone number without the dashes, just to keep them on their toes. “I could be contacted at 2568987548 unless you are too frightened.” And on a similar note, use decimals to make numbers look bigger. “I was charged 7.5000000000% tax at Krystal last night.”
When listing personal experience, they are not wanting to hear about the time you bagged groceries in the summer of your junior year in high school, they are talking about how many times you have been to Six Flags and whether or not you have gone sky diving. My experience portion of my resume looked something like this:

• 12 unsuccessful attempts at the ‘gallon of milk in an hour’ challenge

• Hole-in-one at Cedar Wood Golf Course: Hole #8; par 3, 138 yards with a 9-Iron

• Finished a Grande Meal at Taco Bell by myself, (with room to spare)

• Once kicked a kid in the face while attempting the “Scorpion Death Lock”

Finish the resume with a threat. Remind your employer that if he decides not to hire you that his tires might be slit. The best way to get someone to hire you is not to convince them that it is beneficial to hire you, but that there are dire consequences for not hiring you. Tell them about your criminal history, or make one up if you have to.

Tomorrow: Interview Do’s and Don’t’s


Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com