Broken Resolutions
1-13-08
by: Ryan

We're two weeks into the New Year and there’s not much else I can write about football. Now it’s the time of year where I actually have to think of something to write about, which usually results in a rapid drop in website hits, except for the ones from my mom (she calls all my non-football articles my “cute” articles). Even though I’m most often portrayed as a local celebrity and quasi-immortal, most people don’t know that there is a flawed side to me. Just like you common folk, I make New Year’s Resolutions too. And just like you, I have already quit on most them two weeks into the New Year. So in an effort to make you feel less depressed about your shortcomings, I’m going to share the resolutions I had intended to accomplish but have already given up on.

1) Gain 10 pounds AND KEEP THEM ON!
The other day my dearest friends sat me down and told me that I needed to lose some weight, mostly because a majority of my friends are supermodels (check out my facebook picture if you don’t believe me) and they say I’m “making them look bad by association.” Being the stubborn gentlemen that I am, I was driven to do the exact opposite. That’s why my first new year’s resolution was to put on ten pounds and, more importantly, keep them on. Sadly I have fallen victim to the perils of what some may call a “daily routine.” The fact that I am awake for most of the day now (as opposed to the glorious month of December where I was essentially hibernating) is causing my body to burn more calories than I can afford to eat. I’ve already lost 5 pounds in the past week living off of Taco Bell, Stouffer’s, and Cheez-Its. I don’t have the persistence or the willpower to put on an extra 5 pounds on top of my original ten (that’s 15 total, people), so instead of actually following through with my plan to make my friends look bad, I’ll simply give in and reluctantly allow myself to get sexier with each passing minute.

2) Get a girlfriend
There’s nothing new about this resolution. I’ve been holding strong on this one for a couple of decades. The first two weeks of January are the two best weeks of the year to be a chick, because that’s when you get to hear all the pickup lines that I think are brilliant, but usually don’t work. Here’s the one I’ve been using this year: I take the batteries out of my watch and go up to some girl nonchalantly and say “Holy Guacamole, is it really 2:00? It feels more sevenish” as I present my watch-adorned wrist gloriously decorated with the hour and minute hands pointing out exactly 2:00. This is when the young lady points out that my watch might be broken, but then I drop this bomb on her: “No, baby, it’s because you’re so fine that you make time stand still.” HOW DOES THAT NOT WORK?!? So I’ve concluded for the 23rd year in a row that girls have no idea what they want (which is me).

3) Join the Writer’s Strike
I called in to The Auburner headquarters and told Mark Paden that I wasn’t going to write anything else unless he gives me a hefty pay raise. So I went on strike along with my fellow comrades across the nation. Unfortunately for me, Mark (The Man) still hasn’t sent me last month’s paycheck and rent was due on the 5th. So I crossed the picket line for half of what I was making previously. So instead of going on strike, I just won’t write anything good for a while.

4) Learn a new language
I used to have the equivalent of a young child’s grasp on the Spanish Language after taking three years of courses in high school. I think it’s pretty important to be cultured and be able to communicate with people of other languages. But the problem is that my brain is like a computer that is high on processing power but low on memory. So I’m good at math because I don’t have to memorize anything, but I’m terrible at history, chemistry and meeting new people, because you have to use your memory to succeed at that kind of stuff. I have already used up the all the free space in my brain, so when I started to learn Spanish again, my brain naturally started deleting other information, like how to drive home at night. So I need to steer clear of learning anything new otherwise I might forget important things like spelinng and gerammer.

5) ROCK even more than I already do.
I’m going to skip straight to the chase: I CAN’T ROCK ANY MORE THAN I ALREADY DO. Every time I put my hand in the air, you know it won’t come back down without a sweet axe in it. Every time I strum threads I run the risk of arson since the roof is always on fire. I have a legion of borderline psychotic minions who flicker the lights on and off every time I enter the room. Whatever activity I am participating in, I always take my shirt off by the end of it. When I play my air guitar, it actually makes sound. Telling me to ROCK harder than I already do is like telling a bear to be hairier than it already is: futile.

6) Become Auburn’s new Defensive Coordinator
Tuberville has been shying away from hiring me since day one. Obviously my ultra aggressive blitzing schemes and the fact that I choose not to instill morals in my linebackers would ultimately result in the demise of the SEC offense. Tuberville, who “doesn’t want any blood on his hands” told me I was ranked around ‘300ish’ on his list for new defensive coordinator right behind Captain Crunch and the Tooth Fairy. Unable to see through his sarcasm, I told him that I’m ranked more around ‘298ish’ since neither of the previous prospects exist (I remember to this day when I found out that Captain Crunch wasn’t real… it was my 18th birthday party). So I’ve decided to opt out of the race for Auburn’s next DC, since Tuberville is so impressed with “experience” and “work ethic” and “understanding the rules of football.” Maybe in two years when whoever we hire leaves for Texas I’ll get another shot.

War Eagle!

E-mail Ryan at ryan@theauburner.com
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