haven’t had a crush since 7th grade, when I still believed that
I could like a female for no reason. But sadly (yet fortunately) all of
my corny love letters that I sent to every girl (roughly 6 in total) I
had a crush on that year asking them out on a date replied negatively…
mostly because I didn’t really know a single one of them. Ever since,
I have been overly shy around girls and terrified of female rejection.
But now that has changed. I have found a woman worth embarrassing myself
I was wondering who was on the cover of almost every single freakin’ granola bar and cereal box giving her freakin’ consent for us to eat whatever fiber-filled food we were interested in. I didn’t even know who it was: Some ego-centric woman with a nice smile to promote herself on every Ritz and Cheez-it along the snack aisle in the grocery store. But then I stumbled upon my roommate (Wilson) watching a show on the TV.
That’s when I developed my first crush in roughly 9 years. Her name is Rachael Ray.
No offense to anyone I have dated/showed interest in/hit on in the past decade, but I have since learned what I actually like and dislike and there is a huge difference between knowing whether or not you just have a crush on someone you know nothing about and knowing if someone is genuinely beautiful. Cupid hath strucketh me with thine arrow.
The best things in life are the things that you start off disliking. My favorite CDs that I have ever purchased are the ones that after one listen through I thought “I don’t see what the big deal is” and then each and every song grows on you and the album becomes a part of you. I’m talking about Green Day’s “Dookie” and Fuel’s “Something Like Human” and Blink 182’s “Enema of the State.” Every song is awesome. Anyways, so is Rachael Ray.
I just now noticed that when I attempt to type “Rachael Ray” I sometimes accidentally type, out of habit, Ryan. If that isn’t a sign that we are meant to be, I don’t know what is. Or maybe I’m just and idiot. Anyways, back to Rachael Ray and why she is so great.
I watched a segment of “30 Minute Meals” and I was immediately infatuated. This woman is perfect. The very first thing that caught my mind was that she created a meal called “Pizzagna.” Who on earth is brilliant enough to combine two of the most delicious things in this world and serve them to me in 30 minutes? Rachael Ray, that’s who. Holy cow, I have never been more attracted to a woman in my life simply through one dish. It’s as if before the show she thought “hmmmm, what dish would make Ryan, from theauburner.com, make me look the most attractive.” And the answer is unanimously “pizzagna.” The obvious, yet brilliant combination of pizza and lasagna.
And then there is her smile. That’s one of my weaknesses. A woman is who not so stuck up with herself that she won’t smile. This woman smiles ALL THE TIME. It’s as if she’s inviting me to tell her all my corny and horrible jokes that will one day embarrass my children. This chick seems so happy that I can’t help but feel happy too, I feel as if I’m falling into a trap of joyfulness, and I’m pretty sure I don’t care… but I’m keeping my eye out.
But then I went to her home page. Not an email address in sight. How could I possibly express the awkward preteen feelings I have toward her, despite the fact that I’m in my early twenties! How could I possibly tell her how strong my untested feelings for her are without an email address? I can only hope that she regularly reads The Auburner. Even though it’s a long shot, I must take a chance:
Dear Rachael Ray,
You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen on the television screen. You can cook, you can smile, and you can crow! (horrible, childish Hook reference). Even though you are married (I read your biography), I must ask you to reconsider your previous engagement. I will cherish and adore you more than whoever you are married to ever could. You are the perfect woman. And it should be no surprise to you that I, Ryan Stephens, am the perfect man.
You like to smile, well guess what? I like to make people laugh. Match made in heaven? I think so. You love to cook and create clever meals and various edible concoctions. Well guess what? I love to eat and never leave anything left of my plate. And as you may know, you are absolutely gorgeous. Well guess what? Some chicks have found my appearance tolerable. Obviously we are meant to be. So ditch whatever ungrateful sloth you are married to now and switch to a younger, more appreciative mate.
Did I mention that I am a writer for the most successful student run website (including the school newspaper) in Alabama? I am really good at lifting heavy stuff and am really good at doing hard math problems. I am all that is man.
Let your brilliant mind do all the work and let your heart take a break and make the right choice and take a chance with me. I would drop the L-Bomb on you right now but we’ve never met face to face. That’s what I call playing hard to get. Come get some.
done all that I can. But now it’s official, I’m on the Rachael
Ray waiting list. As soon as she dumps whatever punk she’s married to
now, I officially get the first shot at her when she’s back on the market.
E-mail ryan at