Summer Guide: How to Pick up Chicks
By: Ryan
6-4-07

If there were any one question that I got time and time again, it would be: “Ryan, how do you do it?” This question obviously refers to my ability to attain any girl that I want, most of which lesser beings would assume to be out of my league. Today, I will instill unto you my unending supply of knowledge of the female specie, and what causes them to have a critical lapse in judgment and date someone like me… or even worse: you.

Tip #1: Wear Loose Clothes
You’re fat. And the primary goal of getting a girl that is out of your league is to disguise this self-acknowledged flaw. Wearing clothes that are so big that they make you look 200 lb. child will change consensus of your physique from “gross” to “cute.” Also, wear an undershirt and blame your size on your propensity to “wear layers.”

Tip #2: Buy Guitar Hero
I have never met anyone who doesn’t become immediately addicted to this game as soon as they start to play it. This game might as well be called “Lure Chicks into Hanging Out With Me Hero.”

Tip #3: Plan Your Sweat Stains
You’re a guy, and you are going to sweat. It is just way too hot outside to avoid sweat-stains. So you have two options, stay inside all day in the air conditioning and avoid meeting girls at all, or you can plan ahead and “create” a more “favorable” sweat-stain. What I like to do, is to create a sweat-stain that will be appealing to females, rather than repulsive. Take a glass of water and sprinkle on a nice little message that will get your female target’s attention, like so:



Nothing beats the “I *heart* Commitment” line. Also, be sure to put in some convincing pit-stains as well, to create a realistic effect. We don’t want to be stuck in a conundrum when the female says “Wait a sec, did you really sweat that?”

Tip #4: Go To The Gym
Go to the Student Activity Center and start to work out. I know it sounds difficult, but don’t worry, its all just for the image. No one REALLY works out; it’s all just pretend to make you look cool and gives an excuse to flex into the mirror. CHECK OUT THESE PECS! Chicks will undoubtedly come by for the show… now would be a good time to whip out the fake sweat-stains.

Tip #5: The Pick Up Line
The absolutely most important part about picking up a girl is the first impression. Why do you think there are so many gorgeous girls out there who are attached to complete losers? It’s because the guy somehow lied enough during their first impression, that she figured he was a safe bet. I can’t believe I’m doing this… but I’m going to give you my list of pick up lines. I don’t want to, because they give me such a clear advantage over everyone else, but I’m a romantic Socialist, we all need to share. So the next time you see a girl you’d like to dupe into dating you, walk up to her slowly, make eye contact and lean up and whisper one of these into her ear:

1) “My favorite movie is The Notebook”

2) “I don’t like to brag, but you’re really hot.”

3) “I heart commitment”

4) “Raphael was my favorite Ninja Turtle.”

5) “I have lots of money… and jewelry”

6) “Don’t worry, I’m NOT an Engineer”

7) “My dog just gave birth to a litter of puppies…and I’m keeping them ALL”

8) “I LOVE your hair… where’d you get it done?”

9) “My name’s (insert name here). If you’re looking for a good time, facebook me.”

and the pick up line that slays them all:

10) “War Eagle!”

email ryan at ryan@theauburner.com