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by Ryan
5-4-06
Tuesday was a day that I met face to face with destiny. I have a long history of breaking my ankles and I was not very far from continuing that tradition two days ago in a fateful church league basketball game. I'll skip to the chase and tell you that I jumped up for a loose ball, landed on someone's foot, kindly allowed my ankle to roll off of it, and then being rushed to the hospital by two lovely young angels named Bekah and Melissa. Melissa was soon forgiven for her Geisha related acts. Three hours pass and it turns out that my oddly misshapen ankle is merely sprained to oblivion and back. The moral of the story is that I am not at my job (I’m cooping in Birmingham this semester) and I am on medication right now. So I thought, how funny would it be if I wrote an article while I'm on meds? Since the type of humor I'm aiming for is randomness, I will simply rant about various topics which I would normally title "random thoughts", but since it is final season for you guys I'll call it "Final Thoughts" like when Jerry Springer would try to throw in a moral at the end of a show about transvestite strippers determining whether an 800 pound man is the father or not of the unborn mutant child. So here are my Final Thoughts:
Since I don't have internet or cable at my apartment here in Birmingham, I completely missed the NFL draft. But I didn't really even miss much since all but 5 players from last year are returning to hand the SEC's defensively sound posterior to them in 2006. There are only a few thoughts I really need to express about the 2006 NFL Draft. 1) Matt Lienart finally got what he deserved. Heismen Winner and two-time NCAA champion, gets the shaft handed to him for the first time in his life, and fantastically good timing if I do say so myself. I'm infinitely pleased that the NFL saw that Leinart was simply a decent quarterback surrounded by superior talent. He had 10 seconds to throw the ball each play, Reggie Bush kept the secondary concerned about the run/short pass at all times, and his receivers caught everything thrown within 20 yards of them. Let alone he was facing PAC 10 defenses all his career. But he still gets the last laugh when he gets a 10 million dollar paycheck next year and I and still living off of my parents allowance and leftover coop money. 2) Auburn owned the 7th round. Auburn didn't own the 7th round the way that Auburn owned the 1st round last year, but we got to take something away from this. Three picks (Stanley McClover, Ben Obomanu, Devin Aromashadu) went in the 7th round. I don't know what this means, but I'll assume it is somehow correlated with how awesome Auburn is at everything.
I hate to upset all you romantics out there, but love at first sight does not exist. I mean c'mon, look at me. I'm absolutely gorgeous. No one in their right mind can dispute this simple fact. No female in her right mind would be able to resist complete infatuation with me based entirely on my outward appearance. (I took a couple of pictures, I look stoned in one of them, mostly because I wasn't ready for the picture to be taken. The other picture is hilarious because I'm actually trying to look "sexy". The glories of medication.)
So what goes wrong is that when I first meet a young lady, I far too often open my mouth and speak to them, which often ruins my attractive momentum. Now I'm not saying that I have a defective personality or am incredibly unlikable, its just that I am a huge idiot and there is some sort of threshold between the part of my brain that thinks up smooth things to say, and the part of my brain that converts it into words. I may want to say something so simple like "You have such beautiful eyes" and what I'll end up saying is "Haha, your face makes me laugh." Eh, this paragraph was a lot funnier in theory when I thought it up. But I presume that you guys have lowered standards for entertainment since you are looking for any excuse not to study right now. So I'll call this a director's cut "article" and leave it in.
I'm going to go ahead and settle the debate. There are 4 Ninja Turtles, and everyone wants to know who is the best. Here is the order of Ninja Turtle greatness and why:
4) Donatello. Easily the worst turtle. He is the nerdy one who finds out ways to get the job done without directly fighting the enemy, which is an obvious sign of weakness. Second of all, Donatello is way too much like me. I am a nerdy, timid, engineer who knows how to fix things and loves to make really corny jokes. People are often mislead by the Ninja Turtle movies to belief that Donatello is one of the best turtles, simply because the producers of the movies fed him all the good lines to make up for his him being the least interesting of the 4. His Bo was pretty sweet though.
3) Michaelangelo. Mikey was my favorite as a child. I was naive and immature. Now that I am legally an adult, I know better. While Mikey was the party dude who always made light of the situation, and he was by far the best with the ladies, he was the least effective on missions. Every group has one of these guys, the guy who is beloved by all via politics.
2) Leonardo. Leo has the coolest weapons, easily. When one sword will do, Leo comes at you with two. In the cartoon, where the foot clan was a bunch of robots and it wasn't too violent to show Leo slash through a bunch of them, it was awesome. In the movies, children wouldn't handle the sight of displaced limbs all too well, so he kept kicking them and crap like that. Leo is only second because he's too soft.
1) Raphael. That's why Raph is at the top. He's a turtle of action. He will take on the entire foot clan by himself if no one is going to do anything about it. Raph taught me how to say "Get out of my face!" I was grounded very soon afterward.
There is a Texas-family owned fast food chain known as Whataburger that I hadn't had since I lived in Dallas over 12 years ago. I discovered recently that there is a Whataburger here in Birmingham, and my life has been forever changed. I strongly believe that these burgers are made from unicorns and the lettuce and tomatoes were grown in the Garden of Eden. Everything is served by the gallon or by the pound. Including drinks, fries, ketchup, and there is an ample amount of love that goes into each combo. If you have never had a Whataburger, I highly doubt that you have ever experienced true happiness.
We at the Auburner have taken notice that our male-to-female audience ratio is a little lopsided. But what can engineers who spend 9 hours of their day with a bunch of middle-aged men in a cubicle offer journalistically to the female audience. I figured that since I have been leaking information about females on our site, that I can return the favor and leak some information about guys on this site to help the female audience member to better understand what is going on inside the male mind. Here's a nice little sub-article I like to call "The Truth about Dudes".
-Dudes think that bodily functions are humorous. And the louder they are, the funnier.
-Dudes, in general, get along with most other dudes.
-There is an unspoken code between dudes that keeps them from dating each other's sisters or ex-girlfriends.
-When dudes get hurt, it’s funny.
That's about it. Guys are pretty simple.
Well the drugs are starting to wear off. Have fun with your finals.
Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com
