Summer Movie Rundown
7-1-05
By: Ryan

Due to the fact that I am now living in Birmingham for the summer, I have now seen every last movie that has been released in the past decade, let alone the past two months. In Auburn, I have the blessing of multiple mediums through which to have fun, such as FRIENDS… Last semester, I had gone to see I think one movie for the entire semester, I have already watched at least fifty movies this summer. Needless to say I am grotesquely overweight now and am afraid of sunlight. Anyways, here’s my guide to summer movies (so far).

War of the Worlds: Considering no one knows anything about this movie besides the fact that Tom Cruise stars in it as well as my new nemesis Dakota Fanning. I haven't been this annoyed with any character since, you guessed it, Queen Latifah. I was rooting for the aliens to kill her for the entire movie. But the movie itself is pretty freakin' sweet with the most awesome and realistic special effects I've ever seen. The movie is surprisingly scary and is very intense, but the entire movie fell apart when Tom Cruise used his vast knowledge of Scientology to convert all the aliens into joining the cult, and with all the aliens off of their anti-depressants (apparently the 'church of scientology' frowns upon that), they all got really sad and lost their confidence and left the planet, way to go Tom Cruise! You are going to die 30 years before your fiancé!
I give War of the Worlds one out of two stars.

Star Wars III: I liked this movie mostly because everyone who died got their head lopped off. I saw the movie within 24 hours of the people who camped out in front of the movie theatre for days. I didn’t know if I wanted to go as early as possible, just to prove that camping out for a movie is not only pathetic, but also unnecessary considering I could just walk up to a theatre an hour or two early, go eat dinner and then come back to see it opening night. But then again, if I were telling someone about it and was like “Yeah, I saw it opening night!” they’d probably give me a judgmental look and think “Oh, he’s one of THOSE guys.” Anyways, I don’t really care all too much about the storyline, especially when every other word is some fictional planet or character that I can’t even keep up with. But I liked it because there were ligaments flying everywhere. Obi Wan Kinobi beat the living crap out of Darth Vader, freaking cutting off both his legs and one of his arms and then leaves him while he is completely lit on fire. How awesome was that! And if you haven’t seen this movie and I spoiled it for you, you are an idiot. You would have seen it by now if you were going to see it. By the way, for the first time ever, I saw a huge line coming out of the men’s bathroom while women were walking in and out of the women’s bathroom without delay. I was ashamed of the nerd inside of me.
I give Star Wars III one out of two stars.

Cinderella Man: Take the description of Seabiscuit and replace “Race Horse” with “Boxer” and it goes a little something like this: “True story of the undersized Depression-era boxer whose victories lifted not only the spirits of the team behind him but also those of the nation as well.” I copied and pasted that from imdb.com, if anyone cares (except for the boxer-racehorse part). I liked the movie, and despite Russell Crowe being a gigantic jerk who throws telephones at people, he once again came across as a loveable character. This is an awesome movie if you loved Seabiscuit but hate racehorses or if you loved Rocky but hated Sly Stallone.
I give Cinderella Man one out of two stars.

The Longest Yard: I made the mistake of watching the original on TV with Burt Reynolds a week before seeing the new one. I spoiled most of the fun for myself in doing so, but it was also fun to see how they reprised characters. Adam Sandler was only funny for about two minutes of the movie, and half of the characters were ‘pro’ wrestlers that I hadn’t seen since middle school, and Courtney Cox is hot (did anyone else notice something ‘different’ or ‘enhanced’?). Anyways, it’s a good football movie with some big laughs and even bigger boobs.
I give The Longest Yard one out of two stars.

Madagascar: This is no Shrek. This movie is so ridiculously fascist that is makes my eyes roll back into the back of my head. This movie embodies everything that is bad with this world: greed, hunger, Ross from Friends, hatred, and finally, this is one of the most racist movies I have ever seen. Disgusting. On top of all of that, all the bright colors are likely to give you a seizure. Do not go see this movie!
I give Madagascar one out of two stars.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: If you liked True Lies, then you have already seen this movie. Mark hates this movie because he thinks the plot line is “Hey, let’s watch a movie about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie pretend to be normal people!” This movie has more explosions to it than Meet the Parents and more catchy one-liners than Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon! Straight women will go to see Brad Pitt, and all the other women can go to watch Angelina Jolie beat the crap out of men! Girl Power! Guys can go to gawk over Angelina Jolie and imagine what she’d be like if she were sane! ‘Smith’ is easily the best movie of the summer, if not the greatest movie of all time.
I give Mr. and Mrs. Smith one out of two stars.

Land of the Dead: The exact same thing as Dawn of the Dead, Resident Evil, 28 days later, Undead, Josie and the Pussycats and every other zombie movie that you can think of. It’s all the same reused plot: “I woke up this morning and people were acting strange, man. Let’s turn on the news and get reports about zombies and then I’ll go out and shoot them in the head.” Zombies are the least threatening monsters ever. If you can walk, then you will be fine because Zombies can only take a step every three seconds. Horror movies should just go back to using Bette Midler for a good scare.
I give Land of the Dead one out of two stars.

Crash: I heard that this is a movie that makes you ‘think’. So I naively assumed that it was a movie that kept you guessing until the end like Memento or Saw (both awesome movies, each receiving one out of two stars!). But I heard that it is about racism and that makes you think, “Wow, the world is racist, blame the republicans.” So I decided to skip out on that one, considering the reason there is still racism in this world is because we still think of people as black and white. There would be much less racism if surveys would no longer ask what ethnic group you belong to. There, I made you think about racism, skip this movie.
I give Crash one out of two stars… even though I didn’t see it.

Batman Begins: First of all, let me give you some quotes by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze (a guy with a cold fetish, easily the worst villian ever) from the last Batman movie:

Mr. Freeze: You're not sending ME to the COOLER!

Cop: Please show some mercy!
Freeze: I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.

Mr. Freeze: Tonight, hell freezes over!

Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!

Mr. Freeze: In this universe, there's only one absolute... everything freezes!

Mr. Freeze: Cool party!

Mr. Freeze: Let’s kick some ice!

Now, having pointed out how preposterously un-awesome the past Batman movies have been (except for the first one by Tim Burton), its time to address the new Batman movie, which was awesome. This movie explains everything about batman such as why he uses all his gadgets and why he got the Batmobile and why he hates everyone, but doesn’t care to explain why Bruce Wayne talks like an angry 100 year old man when he is Batman. Painfully awesome movie, but that might just be because the last few were so gay.
I give Batman Begins one out of two stars.


Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com