to the fact that I am now living in Birmingham for the summer, I
have now seen every last movie that has been released in the past
decade, let alone the past two months. In Auburn, I have the blessing
of multiple mediums through which to have fun, such as FRIENDS…
Last semester, I had gone to see I think one movie for the entire
semester, I have already watched at least fifty movies this summer.
Needless to say I am grotesquely overweight now and am afraid of
sunlight. Anyways, here’s my guide to summer movies (so far).
of the Worlds: Considering no one knows anything about
this movie besides the fact that Tom Cruise stars in it as well
as my new nemesis Dakota Fanning. I haven't been this annoyed with
any character since, you guessed it, Queen Latifah. I was rooting
for the aliens to kill her for the entire movie. But the movie itself
is pretty freakin' sweet with the most awesome and realistic special
effects I've ever seen. The movie is surprisingly scary and is very
intense, but the entire movie fell apart when Tom Cruise used his
vast knowledge of Scientology to convert all the aliens into joining
the cult, and with all the aliens off of their anti-depressants
(apparently the 'church of scientology' frowns upon that), they
all got really sad and lost their confidence and left the planet,
way to go Tom Cruise! You are going to die 30 years before your
I give War of the Worlds one out of two stars.
Star Wars III: I liked this movie mostly because
everyone who died got their head lopped off. I saw the movie within
24 hours of the people who camped out in front of the movie theatre
for days. I didn’t know if I wanted to go as early as possible,
just to prove that camping out for a movie is not only pathetic,
but also unnecessary considering I could just walk up to a theatre
an hour or two early, go eat dinner and then come back to see it
opening night. But then again, if I were telling someone about it
and was like “Yeah, I saw it opening night!” they’d
probably give me a judgmental look and think “Oh, he’s
one of THOSE guys.” Anyways, I don’t really care all
too much about the storyline, especially when every other word is
some fictional planet or character that I can’t even keep
up with. But I liked it because there were ligaments flying everywhere.
Obi Wan Kinobi beat the living crap out of Darth Vader, freaking
cutting off both his legs and one of his arms and then leaves him
while he is completely lit on fire. How awesome was that! And if
you haven’t seen this movie and I spoiled it for you, you
are an idiot. You would have seen it by now if you were going to
see it. By the way, for the first time ever, I saw a huge line coming
out of the men’s bathroom while women were walking in and
out of the women’s bathroom without delay. I was ashamed of
the nerd inside of me.
I give Star Wars III one out of two stars.
Man: Take the description of Seabiscuit and replace “Race
Horse” with “Boxer” and it goes a little something
like this: “True story of the undersized Depression-era boxer
whose victories lifted not only the spirits of the team behind him
but also those of the nation as well.” I copied and pasted
that from imdb.com, if anyone cares (except for the boxer-racehorse
part). I liked the movie, and despite Russell Crowe being a gigantic
jerk who throws telephones at people, he once again came across
as a loveable character. This is an awesome movie if you loved Seabiscuit
but hate racehorses or if you loved Rocky but hated Sly Stallone.
I give Cinderella Man one out of two stars.
Longest Yard: I made the mistake of watching the original
on TV with Burt Reynolds a week before seeing the new one. I spoiled
most of the fun for myself in doing so, but it was also fun to see
how they reprised characters. Adam Sandler was only funny for about
two minutes of the movie, and half of the characters were ‘pro’
wrestlers that I hadn’t seen since middle school, and Courtney
Cox is hot (did anyone else notice something ‘different’
or ‘enhanced’?). Anyways, it’s a good football
movie with some big laughs and even bigger boobs.
I give The Longest Yard one out of two stars.
This is no Shrek. This movie is so ridiculously fascist that is
makes my eyes roll back into the back of my head. This movie embodies
everything that is bad with this world: greed, hunger, Ross from
Friends, hatred, and finally, this is one of the most racist movies
I have ever seen. Disgusting. On top of all of that, all the bright
colors are likely to give you a seizure. Do not go see this movie!
I give Madagascar one out of two stars.
and Mrs. Smith: If you liked True Lies, then you have already
seen this movie. Mark hates this movie because he thinks the plot
line is “Hey, let’s watch a movie about Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie pretend to be normal people!” This movie has
more explosions to it than Meet the Parents and more catchy one-liners
than Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon! Straight women will go to see
Brad Pitt, and all the other women can go to watch Angelina Jolie
beat the crap out of men! Girl Power! Guys can go to gawk over Angelina
Jolie and imagine what she’d be like if she were sane! ‘Smith’
is easily the best movie of the summer, if not the greatest movie
of all time.
I give Mr. and Mrs. Smith one out of two stars.
of the Dead: The exact same thing as Dawn of the Dead,
Resident Evil, 28 days later, Undead, Josie and the Pussycats and
every other zombie movie that you can think of. It’s all the
same reused plot: “I woke up this morning and people were
acting strange, man. Let’s turn on the news and get reports
about zombies and then I’ll go out and shoot them in the head.”
Zombies are the least threatening monsters ever. If you can walk,
then you will be fine because Zombies can only take a step every
three seconds. Horror movies should just go back to using Bette
Midler for a good scare.
I give Land of the Dead one out of two stars.
I heard that this is a movie that makes you ‘think’.
So I naively assumed that it was a movie that kept you guessing
until the end like Memento or Saw (both awesome movies, each receiving
one out of two stars!). But I heard that it is about racism and
that makes you think, “Wow, the world is racist, blame the
republicans.” So I decided to skip out on that one, considering
the reason there is still racism in this world is because we still
think of people as black and white. There would be much less racism
if surveys would no longer ask what ethnic group you belong to.
There, I made you think about racism, skip this movie.
I give Crash one out of two stars… even though I didn’t
Begins: First of all, let me give you some quotes by Arnold
Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze (a guy with a cold fetish, easily the
worst villian ever) from the last Batman movie:
Freeze: You're not sending ME to the COOLER!
Please show some mercy!
Freeze: I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of
Freeze: Tonight, hell freezes over!
Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!
Freeze: In this universe, there's only one absolute... everything
Freeze: Cool party!
Freeze: Let’s kick some ice!
having pointed out how preposterously un-awesome the past Batman
movies have been (except for the first one by Tim Burton), its time
to address the new Batman movie, which was awesome. This movie explains
everything about batman such as why he uses all his gadgets and
why he got the Batmobile and why he hates everyone, but doesn’t
care to explain why Bruce Wayne talks like an angry 100 year old
man when he is Batman. Painfully awesome movie, but that might just
be because the last few were so gay.
I give Batman Begins one out of two stars.
Ryan can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org