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by Ryan
2-7-07
For the past three years, I've asked each candidate for Miss Auburn out on a date for Vaneltines and each year, my quest has proven to be thoroughly futile. Unwilling to give up, this year I shall use my prodigal talents and my unrivaled understanding of women to write a love song for each candidate. All songs were in fact performed by me (who in their right mind would take credit for these?) and all of the letters were actually sent, and all the responses (to be posted later) are genuine.
I have found staring at the album cover while listening to each song enhances the hilarity exponentially.
Enjoy.
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Caitlin
Burns Junior Mass Communications Click here to listen to Caitlin's Love song: "Butterfly" |
Caitlin Burns,
Greetings my little dove. I have been keeping track of the Miss Auburn Elections and you have touched my heart. My name is Ryan Stephens, but you can call me “The answer to your prayers.” I understand that you would like to know more about me than my name and title, so I’ll give you a little insight as to who I am. I’m a junior (for the second year in a row!) mechanical engineer. I know what you’re thinking: “Aren’t all engineers socially diseased.” The answer is that MOST engineers are socially inadequate, but I am different (generic engineering excuse, by the way).
But enough with the boring stuff, what really
makes you attracted to me are my musical talents. I’m actually a rather
well established acoustic guitar player. Have you ever heard of Ryan Van Stephens?
Yeah, that’s me. My middle name isn’t Van, it’s part of
my stage name. I attached a picture of my album “Alone in a Field.”
I’m the guy that is standing alone in that field… while simultaneously
being the translucent gentlemen whose head encompasses the majority of the
cover.
I know. I’m gorgeous. But my music is even more beautiful. I wrote you a song called “Butterfly” and it is so pretty that Ellen DeGeneres said that she’s going straight to justify her feelings toward me. You can tell that I sang it live, since you can barely hear me over the endless applause. I’m hardly ever able to get through the song without crying because I love to cry, which is also why you are attracted to me.
Like my fellow acoustic artists, I have strong political views (not really (actually I do (how many times can I do this (I’m going to keep doing this because I don’t obey the rules (especially grammatical rules (did I even say that right?)))?)). Anyways, since we are made for each other an all, I think it’s only natural that you allow me to take you out to dinner for Valentine’s Day! A little bird told me that you are a sucker for some BBQ, and it doesn’t get any better than Mike and Ed’s! So please give a gorgeous, brilliant, talented guy a chance to treat you to some “Jumbo Sammiches!” We can talk about how we can Auburn a better place for everyone! Well I’m looking forward to hearing from you and good luck in the Miss Auburn race!
WAR EAGLE!
Ryan “Van” Stephens
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Heather
Bumgardner Junior Accounting Click here to listen to Heather's Love song: Rock & Row |
Heather Bumgardner,
Salutations, my delicate little flower. I’ve been following the Miss Auburn Elections a good deal this year and you are by far the hottest. Most people call me Ryan Stephens, but you can call me “The Guy Who ROCKs My World.” Gosh… what else… oh yeah, I’m a Mechanical Engineer, who specializes in being awesome, as opposed to most engineers who specialize in sucking all the time.
I know that being
awesome in itself isn’t enough nowadays, so I started my own one-man
death metal band called “Rynosaurus.” I attached a picture of
the album cover along with this letter. I’m the guy with the guitar.
I think you’ll be surprised to know that there was absolutely no photo-shopping
in this picture. In fact, I didn’t even know the camera was even there,
I just ROCK out like that all the time. Sometimes I ROCK out so hard that
everything around me ignites and I create ‘giant supernatural orbs of
ROCK.’ Yes, my sweet pea, it is possible to ROCK that hard.
In fact, I’ll provide proof and attach my new hit, which is my hard ROCK interpretation of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” which I cleverly entitled ‘ROCK and Row.’ Now I must warn you of a few things before you listen to this song. The Surgeon General Requires that I inform you that the riffs in this song are so tasty that they are detrimental to expecting mothers and those who nauseate easily. I’m also required to warn you that you should probably crank out the Neosporin, because there are some chops that are so righteous that your face is going to melt. I’ve also been told I have the voice of an angel.
It’s time for the breakdown. Do you think that you could reach inside your heart and allow a stone cold ROCKer like me treat you to some Mike and Ed’s BBQ? Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and word on the street is that Cupid loves to ROCK. Just give me the word and we can freakin’ ROCK some curly fries, the only thing in this world tastier than my wicked guitar licks. We can talk about how hard Auburn ROCKs and how we can make it ROCK even harder, if that’s even possible. I’m looking forward to hearing from you and good luck in the Miss Auburn Election!
WAR EAGLE!
Ryan “Rynosaurus” Stephens
