Miss Auburn Love Letters
2-3-05
By: Ryan

The SGA elections are right around the corner, and part of the elections is the Miss Auburn candidacy. In order to get a better feel for who the candidates are, I read all their platforms and studied their movements very closely. I found that I have learned nothing from these things. I figured the only way to really get to know who these young ladies are, I would have to ask each one of them out on a date by sending each of them a somewhat elaborate and individual letter inviting them to Chili’s with me. As you will see, the letters are all very formulaic, but I found it was necessary to make them somewhat humorous, which is probably why only one of the Miss Auburn candidates responded. We aren’t really allowed to show any bias toward any candidate. So far, my conclusion is that you should vote for the one who responded to me, because she bothered to respond, but you should also vote for all of the candidates who didn’t, because I’m not allowed to be biased.

First, a letter that didn't get a reply. The letter was sent to Miss. Melanie Devore:

Here's another letter that didn't get a reply, for Miss Vallier:

Here's the letter that DID get a reply, for Miss Freind:

Amanda,

I have been keeping up to date on the Miss Auburn race, and I would like nothing more than to get to know you better. I know that you might think this sounds a quite odd coming from someone that you have never met before, and I'm positive that you get asked out on dates all the time from guys like me, but to make it easier on you, I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Ryan Stephens (Most people call me Peg-Leg McGeech) and I'm a Sophomore Mechanical Engineering major. I'm not the pen-pushing nerd that you might assoiciate most engineers with, I am a very socialable person who enjoys downloading music and watching the MTV. I love that Ashlee Simpson, don't you? I know all of her songs. If you are pondering what the perfect male looks like, take a peek at the picture I attached. That's me, sorry to disappoint, I'm not actually very attractive, but I have spunk! Anyways, I think that we could have a great time if you would join me for some good ol' fashioned cooking at Chili's, my treat! We could talk about all the extra curicular activities that we are involved in and what we could do to get the Auburn community more involved, or if you don't want to get into all that political stuff, we could talk about our favorite flavored ice cream or what our favorite TV show is (Anything reality for me!) I would be very honored if you would accept my offer and join me for some Fajitas or Bottomless Chips and Salsa (that means free refills!) I hope to hear from you soon and good luck in the Miss Auburn race! War Eagle!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Ryan (Dirk for short)

She responded with....

Ryan,
I am so flattered by your email, and it is so great to know that people do actually pay attention to our platforms. So many times people think Miss Auburn is such a pretty face, but really, I and the other girls have more at heart for Auburn. While I definitely appreciate your invitation and I am truly flattered by your email, I do have to keep a certain schedule of events, meetings, and places to visit. It's all part of the campaign routine. You sound like a great guy with spunk (just like you said), but like I said we are just so busy with different meetings this week! I do however appreciate your support, thoughts and compliments. I would love your support in the election on February 9th!
Maybe I'll see you out and about on the concourse! Feel free to just walk up! I'm a truly "freind"ly person and always enjoy meeting new people!
War Eagle!
Amanda Freind

Here's another letter that didn't get a reply, for Miss Street:

Mindy,

I have been paying attention to the Miss Auburn race and I would be telling a dirty fib if I said that you aren't the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I'm sure that you get asked out by guys like me all the time, and I'm sure that this sounds absolutely ridonkulous coming from someone that you don't even know, but I think that I have something to offer that most guys don't, a celebrity cousin. My former next door neighbor is the nephew of Chuck Norris! So he's practically a cousin to me. I'm sorry. Anyways, I think that it is appropriate to tell you about myself, my name is Ryan Stephens (You can call me Dirk McDonron if you want) and I am a Sophomore Mechanical Engineering major. I have a great sense of humor (as you can tell from that rock solid Chuck Norris joke) and I also feel that it is important to lead children in the right direction. I was a counselor for a football camp once, and other than accidentally kicking one kid in the face (wrestling match, attempting the scorpion deathlock) I have proven to be very good with kids in every other situation. If you are a bit suspicious about what a guy like me might look like, I attached a picture of me gazing lovingly into the camera (I used to be a child model, as a teenager). Anyways, I think that we could have a great time if you would join me for some Bacon Burgers at Chilis, and maybe get an Awesome Blossom as an appetizer! We could talk about mentoring elemetary schoolers, or we could talk about something else if you want to, like our favorite moments at Auburn (AU vs. LSU, '04) or we could even talk about our favorite movies (Sideways and XXX!) Oh well, I would be very honored if you could see through this horrible letter and accept my invitation to Chilis for some Bacon Burgers. I know that you are a very busy working woman so I will let you decide what day and time would be best for you. Please respond soon, thank you for reading this, good luck in the Miss Auburn race.

Hope to hear from you soon,
Ryan (R to the Y-A Nizzle)

Here's another letter that didn't get a reply, for Miss Smith:

Susannah,

I have been paying close attention to the Miss Auburn race and I would be lying if I said that you hadn't caught my eye. I'm sure that guys ask you out all the time, and it may seem awkward coming from someone you have never met before. So to make things a little easier, I will tell you a little bit about myself. I am a Sophemore Mechanical Engineering major who just plain loooooves Auburn. If you are curious as to what I look like, then just take a gander at the picture I attached. That handsome gent is none other than me, Ryan Stephens (But you can call my Rhyno, or Rico Chiggins). I was just wondering if you would be interested in joining me for a dinner at Chili's sometime. It would be so much fun! We can talk about Auburn and Auburn's future (recruits) or whatever you want to talk about. If you don't feel like talking about Auburn related stuff, thats okay, we can talk about what animals we like (I like rabbits!) or what kind of movies and music we like. I know that you are a busy young lady so you can make the date for our date. Teehee. Please respond, and thank you for reading this. War Eagle!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Ryan (Rhyno for short)

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com