Interview Tips
5-26-05
By: Ryan

You have now landed a job interview with a big shot company because your resume is so relentlessly awesome. It’s relatively easy to convince someone that you are great in writing (similarly to how I’ve convinced you that I’m your hero), but here comes the real challenge: the interview. This is the second article in a three part series on how to attain and conquer your summer job. Some may take the rules that I lay down lightly, assuming that these are mere suggestions on how to do well in the real world, a deadly mistake. I have laid down for you the absolute most critical dos and don’ts about interviewing with your new employer, the consequences of not following these rules include not getting the job, shame, and in the worst case scenario internal bleeding.

Do blast gangster rap on the drive to the interview. This is a good idea for two reasons; it gets you nice and pumped and ready to bust this interview’s cap and it also allows the employer to know that you are coming when their building begins to shake from the killer system you loaded into your Ford Taurus.

Don’t practice for the interview. If you have any idea in your head what you are going to say during the interview you are a cheater. Employers are looking mostly for improvisation capabilities, like on “Whose Line is it Anyway.” How do you think Ryan Stiles and Wayne Brady got their jobs?

Don’t dress up for the interview. Dressing up will give the employer the impression that you are desperate for the job! What they are really looking for is someone who is laid back and is willing to take the risk of taking things much too lightly as opposed to taking things too seriously. It is much more important to be comfortable than ‘looking sharp’. I suggest wearing a robe with gigantic bunny slippers. If you really want the job, try and grow a mustache (this applies to both men and women). Sunglasses are a must.

Do show up at least ten minutes late. We are college students for crying out loud! They will start to suspect that you aren’t a college student at all if you show up on time, let alone EARLY! That is why you will treat this job the same way that you treat parties, class, intramurals, or any other event that has a defined start time, show up late and have all the people adore you because everyone knows that you are too cool to show up on time. The longer you make the employer wait, the more they will want to hire you, sometimes its best not to show up for the interview, and they will just assume that you are so freakin’ awesome that showing up for something silly like a job interview is just tedious.

Don’t shake hands. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of the first impression, which is why shaking their hand would be career suicide. It’s the 90’s for crying out loud, we don’t shake hands anymore! Shaking hands is what cavemen do! Now we give high-fives and pound fists. If your interviewer reaches out his/her (we’ll just use ‘it’ from now on) hand, it is just trying to test you, don’t fall for the trap! In the event that your interviewer holds out its hand, you are expected to hold out your fist and say “Poooound it.”

Don’t go alone. Bring along a sidekick to help you out. Everyone who is important has a sidekick: Batman has Robin, Donald Trump has about 9 apprentices now, and Dick Cheney has George W. For every question that is thrown at you, confer with your sidekick or in this case he will be called your ‘caddy’. Or for an extra twist, have your sidekick be an animal and give it a nice name like “Avenger” or “Domino”. Everyone loves animals, except chicks. (Stephens, Truths About Chicks, 2005) That’s right, I just cited myself, and rather incorrectly so.

Do use slang and made up words. The less they understand you, the more likely they are to hire you. Use words like dank, shizzle, murk, blar, swaggle, dingy, donronamonicon, herre, errbody, jiggy, heckno techno and cackalacky. The sky is the limit with what you can say, and they will be afraid to ask you what you just said, so they’ll just nod and smile.

Do ask about salary, benefits, vacations, sick days and bonuses. They already know why you are there, because you need money. So go ahead and establish that you want a lot of money and you don’t want to work hard for it. Once that is out of the way, you will see eye to eye with the interviewer, but don’t look directly into its eyes, eye contact is awkward, that’s why you should bring sunglasses. In negotiating a salary, start way too high and, if need be, work your way down. Do some research and find out what fully trained professionals in your field make and then triple it, that way they will be excited to pay you twice as much as they pay your boss. If they make you an offer, remember to be upset and throw all their office supplies around in an act of fury, I guarantee that they will give you a better offer.

Don’t chew gum… gum will give your breath a pleasant smell, it would be much better to stuff your face with some beef jerky or some Doritos during the interview, and randomly lean in and tell them a secret during the interview and torture them with your nasty breath. They’ll hire you immediately just to get you out of the office.

Do set the first day of work on the way out. Regardless of what day of the week it is, storm out of the office you were interviewed in and yell, “I’ll see you next Friday!” and then bolt out to your car and peel out of the parking lot. That way they won’t even have a chance to not hire you or tell you that work begins on Monday. Starting work on Friday is good because you can dress casual and get a feel for things, and then take off early to get a head start on your weekend.
Tomorrow: Climbing the Corporate Ladder

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com