1) Hit a butterfly with my windshield.
Status: Completed
Description: I have always wondered why I only hit crappy mosquitoes and flies with my windshield when I drive. What separates the butterflies from the rest of the insects? So they are all colorful and stuff. Judging an insect based on its color is prejudiced. I do not discriminate against different bugs; they all equally deserve to die at the hands of my windshield as far as I am concerned.
One fateful day, I was driving to Charlotte from Auburn, and right around the Georgia border it finally happened. I saw a huge, beautiful Monarch Butterfly in the distance. I knew this was my chance. I locked on my target and maneuvered my vehicle to within striking distance. I slam on the gas and almost in slow motion watched as the butterfly slowly became a giant streak on my windshield. It was actually quite disappointing because it looked just like any other bug squashed against my window. This further proves my point, butterflies and all other insects are the same on the inside, don’t judge.

2) Hit a fire-fly with my windshield
Status: Incomplete
Description: I just think it would be crazy if all of a sudden there was a sudden streak of glowing bug guts on my windshield.

3) Punch a leprechaun in the gut
Status: Impossible
Description: Not only is it incredibly unlikely to find a leprechaun anymore (they were HUGE in the 70’s), but the likelihood of me getting a chance to punch one in the stomach in nearly impossible. On top of that, I would have to either catch him on a higher elevation than me or I’d have to get on my knees to get a proper swing into the abdomen of such a smaller opponent.

4) Attain my own posse
Status: in Progress
Description: I need to find a slew of lesser men with low self-esteem to continually follow me around and tell me how great I am. I need some guys who are book smart but logically retarded (even more so than me) so they can do my homework. I also need some huge guys who are easily manipulated so they I can just order them to beat up people for me. These guys will really come in handy when we find the leprechaun. But most importantly, I need some guys to just do my bidding as I sit and do nothing. My bidding includes simple tasks such as feeding me, holding my jacket as I walk around (regardless of whether or not I intend to wear the jacket), and making me look important in front of chicks.

5) Create a death metal version of Dave Matthew’s “Crash Into Me”
Status: Say your prayers regularly and maybe the Lord will bless you by letting you avoid hearing it.
Description: I actually recorded a little bit of it on my crappy microphone and even though it rocks, it sucks… bad. Not the kind of sucks that is funny, like David Hasselhoff, but the kind of sucks that makes you not want to ever listen to anything ever again, like The Black Eyed Peas. I’m also in the progress of making death metal covers of:
Tainted Love – Soft Cell (I think)
Summer Loving - Grease
Hold My Hand – Hootie

6) To be the first reference on Google when the keywords
“Ryan Stephens”, “Heckno Techno”, “Squeaver” or “Dingleflask”

Status:

“Ryan Stephens” – Not even on the first 3 pages. There are like 900 other Ryan Stephens who are more important than me.

“Heckno Techno” – 4th on the list. This easily should be mine, since I’m the only person in the world who is not too ashamed to say it.

“Squeaver” – Nowhere near the top. I’m going to have to talk about Squeavers a whole lot more. SQUEAVER SQUEAVER SQUEAVER!

“Dingleflask” – Nothing shows up… poot.

War Eagle

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com