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by Ryan
8-28-06
This is the week we have all been looking forward to since January 1st of this year. Every living moment and everything we have done or said has all built up to this single moment in time. Every true Auburn fan has been desperately waiting for this week to come so we can finally put all of our anxiety to rest. Of course, I’m talking about Beyonce’s new album “B’day.” That girl’s got it going on. SIKE! (Don’t send me emails about how to freakin’ spell ‘sike.’ It’s a fake word anyways.) I’m talking about the ritualistic sacrificing of the Washington State Cougers to the those whom govern our fate: the BCS. You may think you can just waltz into Jordan Hare Stadium without any preparation, though I would not recommend it… unless you want to be eaten ALIVE… ALIVE! Here are a few helpful gameday tips/warnings:
| Wear Sunblock! Unless you think Two-Face from Batman Forever (horribly played by Tommy Lee Jones) had a good look going on, then I would suggest not wearing any suntan lotion. The game does not last long enough to for the sun to equally burn both sides of your face, and therefore you may arrive at your classes on Tuesday (Monday’s off!) representing two separate races, divided directly down the center. I suggest using SPF 50 or higher. Being tan is overrated. Think of all the other pale people who have contributed to society: Conan O’Brien, Snow White, Jim Gaffigan… on second thought, go ahead and get a tan. War Eagle! |  |
Bring Medicine! After three hours of screaming, you are going to need some drugs (The good kind… and by good kind I mean non-addictive remedies to ailments such as headaches unrelated to withdrawal… I guess either kind will do). That is why it is imperative that you smuggle in a few caplets of Extra-Strength Tylenol or Advil or whatever it takes to get rid of the migraine that seems to hit every game about midway through the second quarter. You may need to take them before kickoff for LSU, Florida and Georgia. And don’t read the directions; they don’t apply to your gameday needs. Here are the proper dosages by weight class:
Under 100 lbs:
8 caplets
101 – 150 lbs: 12 caplets
151 – 200lbs: 16 caplets
201 – 250lbs: 20 caplets
250+ - However many it takes to overdose, minus two caplets. War Eagle!
B-Y-O-S! I know you have one of your shakers from last year. Bring it to the freakin’ game. That way you won’t have to rely on the unlikely fact that UPC or whoever hands out all the shakers at each game brought enough for every student. And make sure you don’t chew on yours because that’s how I tell mine apart from everyone else’s. My shaker looks like it’s been mauled by a rabid gopher. War Eagle!
Scream! Don’t give people looks when they are cheering as loud as they can. You may think it’s obnoxious, but the fact is that they are a better fan than you. Instead of casting a judgmental look upon the loudmouth who won’t stop screaming behind you (usually me), scream as loud or even louder. I want Wazzu to go deaf when they line up in vain against our defense. War Eagle!
Keep an Eye on Aubie! If there is a break in the action, look for Aubie and I promise you that you’ll laugh. The funniest Tiger since Shere Khan from Jungle Book… perhaps even funnier. And if the game is a blow out, look for our local celebrity “Dr. Pep” to see if he’s dancing in the stands.** Always a treat and worth staying the whole game to see. War Eagle!
Closing thoughts! This season is going to be huge. Auburn is projected by three major sources (ESPN, Collegefootballnews.com, Fox Sports*) to go to the BCS Championship. We are ranked #4 in the AP poll and almost everyone is picking Auburn to win the SEC Championship and even possibly go undefeated. Needless to say, people are hyping up Auburn to be great this year. What I hear far too often is how that’s a ‘bad thing.’ Auburn is one of the elite college football programs in the nation. If you look into the top 10, Auburn is almost always there. History has shown that Auburn doesn’t do well when everyone expects a lot from them. If Auburn is going to get the respect it deserves, then Auburn needs to start to live up to the hype. This is the year that people will expect a lot from Auburn, and the Tigers will deliver. We can’t hope to sneak into the BCS championship by hiding under the radar. Our 2004 season proved that won’t work. This is the year that the entire radar will blink Orange and Blue and Auburn will still kick down the door and punch the BCS in the face. I’m not afraid of the hype, and neither are our Hard Fighting Soldiers. I’ll see you on Saturday.
War Eagle!
* Thanks Russell
Gillis
** Check out http://www.auburn.edu/~pilmaca/doctorpep.htm
for more on Dr. Pep
Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com
