an engineer, I have noticed that it is the season for “E-Day”
tours of Auburn for prospective students. At every turn there is
a group of high schoolers being lead through a terrible first impression
of what being an engineer is all about. I have decided to write
what kind of tour I would give to these potential engineers, to
give them a fair warning as to what they are getting into.
First of all, I would address all of the high schoolers who feel
that it is necessary to wear their high school letter jacket to
E-Day. “Excuse me sir, you are strictly forbidden to wear
any clothing representing the jock stereotype, you are an engineer
now, so freakin’ act like one.” There I will issue them
a pocket protector, a short sleeve button up shirt, and broken glasses
I would also give all the males a fair warning that unless they
want to die alone, they should go ahead and get a girlfriend if
possible. Becoming an engineer is the same as being married, only
you are getting married to your calculator instead of some chick.
I would also give all the females a fair warning that should they
continue into the engineering curriculum, they will be helplessly
harassed by the ugliest that mankind has to offer, including myself.
A final note I’d make before the tour began is to encourage
all the engineers to join thefacebook.com so that they will be able
to fool themselves into believing that they have friends, and they
can poke girls without violating their restraining order.
At this point I would begin the tour by leading all the projected
engineers into the classrooms, where I will have hired someone to
come running out of the classroom screaming “I CAN’T
STAND IT ANYMORE! I HATE MY LIFE!” And I would clarify that
these emotions are normal when going through the growing pains,
and you start to get funny feelings toward ugly girls and equations.
It’s all part of becoming an engineer, I call it nerd puberty.
I would then take them through the concourse, and have dummies and
cones set up to prepare them to dodge and stiff-arm people trying
to make you sign up for their club or trying to get you to vote
for someone other than the hottest candidate.
I then take the group around the construction in front of Foy and
tell them tales of a time when there used to be a road there, and
cars could drive through, and students could walk from the concourse
to Foy in a STRAIGHT FREAKIN’ LINE! But I would then explain
that any place that does not have construction is not worth a crap.
One of the high schoolers says
“Mr. Tour Guide Guy, I…”
“The name is Brock Pinkenstink III and YOU WILL ADDRESS ME
AS SUCH!” I interrupt.
“Ummm, Mr. Pinkenstink, what are they building here?”
“A very good question, from what I understand, they have been
moving a giant mound of dirt back and forth across this area for
months now, and will continue to do so at the expense of the students.”
I continue the tour by taking having the group ride the Tiger Transit
and explain to them that it is crucial to ride the Tiger Transit
if they want to save money and continuously be late for class. We
then ride by Frat Row, and I explain to them that the unconscious
young gentlemen sprawled across the lawn are their new mortal enemies.
Engineers hate Frat boys because they live a shameless, easygoing,
business major life that we engineers have sacrificed in order to
slave over bookwork and projects for the next 4 or 5 years only
to eventually work under them in the future. And Frat’s hate
us because we don’t give them our money.
Oh goody, it’s lunch time! I take the group to Foy to eat,
but then tell them that they have a choice. They can either stay
and eat the crappy food at Foy, or they could walk 50 yards and
eat some good food at Arby’s, Subway, Wendy’s or Moe’s.
We will then go and throw crap at the CPO’s because they can’t
really do anything. And I will teach my underlings what to do if
they ever get mugged, they can ask their attacker to stay still
and run to the nearest emergency booth thingy. I will then test
their knowledge by having the same guy that ran out of class screaming
attack our group with a protractor (A safe weapon, since everyone
knows that engineers are immune to protractor attacks)… Or
The tour will conclude at Jordan Hare Stadium, where I will dump
them off and let them think about what they have learned as well
as look at all of the murals of Auburn Legends such as Pat Sullivan
and Bo Jackson. Wow this tour sucked, I’m sorry to report
that you are a retard for reading this all the way through.
Ryan can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org