The Disney Playbook
9-20-07
by: Ryan

Auburn Football has kicked off to a rough start. If things keep going the way they are, Auburn will no longer be able to say “At least we aren’t Michigan/Notre Dame/Florida State.” Luckily for us, many of the problems we face this season have been faced before, as Rick Moranis and Disney show us in “The Little Giants.” For every problem Auburn faces, Disney has already faced and conquered in this delightful hour and a half family comedy starring the nerd from Ghostbusters and Al Bundy.

Problem: Holding onto the football

Solution: Put some glue on your hands.

Auburn is struggling to keep the ball off the ground in the first three games. It seems that no matter how hard we try, we seem to fumble the ball at the worst possible times (3 times within the 30). Don’t worry, because Disney has already addressed this problem. All you need to do is put some black, sticky glue all over your hands, then you won’t be able to drop it. WARNING: Do not clap your glue covered hands together when you break the huddle… unless you want hilarity to ensue!

 

Problem: Poor strategy

Solution:
Hire a scrawny, nerdy, pale kid with really thick glasses to draw up plays.

The paler and thicker his glasses, the smarter he is. Looking forward to teams like LSU and Florida who seem to have their act together already, we’re going to need to outsmart them in order to gain the upper hand and pull off the upset. Annexation of Puerto Rico? Brilliant.


Problem: Dropped passes

Solution: First learn to catch rolls of toilet paper.

Auburn receivers and tight ends are struggling to catch the ball so far this season. Don’t worry, because the Little Giants encountered a similar problem, to which it was resolved by learning to catch rolls of toilet paper. See, it’s like catching a football, but easier… according to Disney.


Problem: Low confidence

Solution: Get a lecture from NFL greats Bruce Smith, Emmitt Smith and John Madden.
I don’t know why people don’t like John Madden. The guy has an unrealistic love for football and for the rules of the game. I don’t care that he tells us stuff we already know, like a team needs to gain 10 yards for a first down or that a field goal is 3 points. It makes me feel better just listening to him, and I’m sure a lecture to our team from this guy will make a world of a difference in our confidence level.

Problem: Poor Tackling

Solution: Imagine they were talking about your mama. Even the scrawny fragile kid from Little Giants was able to lay down a wicked lick when the mama jokes started dropping. No more arm tackling for Auburn, because now mama’s name is on the line.
E-mail Ryan at ryan@theauburner.com

Prices are dropping like crazy for Auburn games, I wonder why?