Before the play even starts, Auburn’s defense can call checkmate
on opposing victims (offenses). No matter what the offense does,
they are going to have to collide with a future NFL millionaire
whom specializes in administering suffering. How could you make
a play call against a defense that has you surrounded before the
play even starts?
Say you run the ball left, all you're going to find is unfortunate
anguish at the hands of Sen’Derrick Marks, who will wrap you
up and send you to go. Okay, we won’t go left. Let’s
try running it right. Well, that road only leads to pain and suffering
as Quentin Groves then crushes you. Why would you do that to yourself?
So you then do something really stupid, you run it up the middle.
At that point, you have given up your will to live, so Tray Blackmon
will politely pull the cord for you. Just don’t run the ball.
So you take it to the air… well I wouldn’t do that either.
You aren’t going to complete the pass because 3 of the 4 defensive
backs on Auburn’s defense are on the preseason All-SEC list.
Patrick Lee or Jonathan Wilhite will pick the ball off and wave
it in your face antagonizingly, or they will be showoffs and just
spike the ball back into your face. And if your prayers are answered,
you won’t complete a pass, because if for some freak accident
you complete a pass, you are then under Eric Brock’s jurisdiction.
And he’s pro public execution. So do yourself a favor and
just punt the ball on first down, unless you're buying stock in
tombstones and cemetery real estate.
Defensive
Line
The
only problem with Quentin Groves is that sometimes he to TOO
good. Will Muschamp told ESPN that merely allowing Groves to
blast past the O-Line and then clothesline the quarterback isn’t
a proper display of his capabilities. Recklessly destroying
the lives of whoever has that ball at that point in time is
good and fine, but Groves is capable of ruining even more lives,
according to Muschamp. How come the receivers never have to
experience the shame and defeat that the rest of the team does.
So you can forward to seeing Groves spreading out his fury this
year, but butter on bread… only instead of butter, it
will be Grove’s endless fury.
In an effort to build up Groves rep and help his chances of moving
up in the NFL draft next year, the SEC is holding a promotional
“Get Sacked By Quentin Groves!” sweepstakes. Last years
winner was John Parker Wilson.
On the other end is Sen’Derrick Marks, who will be taking
over for Marquis Gunn which, to the dismay of offenses everywhere
will result in absolutely no drop in talent or body count. Sen’Derrick
Marks will only get better from his sophomore season and will be
expanding the sacking industry in about 5 weeks.
Linebackers
The greatest decision that defensive coordinator Will Muschamp has
made during his reign in Auburn was to move Will Herring from Safety
to Linebacker… beautiful move. This year he is making a similar
change in positions. Instead of previous seasons where Auburn had
an inside linebacker and two outside linebackers, this year Auburn
will have Tray Blackmon and two medics.
Last year it seemed like Tray Blackmon was thrown into action a
little bit before he completely knew the defense. Before each play,
one of the other linebackers, would go up to Blackmon, point at
the quarterback or the runningback and tell him something, and then
smack him on the back of the helmet, which I felt was similar to
how you train an attack dog (Don’t tell Michael Vick!). I
think I would honestly feel safer in a tank full of sharks than
line up across from Tray Blackmon. I can do better. I’d feel
safer in eating a plate of spaghetti with a testosterone-abused
bull than play against Tray Blackmon (get it? The sauce is red!)…
that was just stupid. I’d feel safer knife shopping with O.J.
Simpson… too easy. Here we go: I’d feel safer in OAKLAND
than run the ball at Tray Blackmon. Haha. I’ve never even
been there.
Secondary
With
three returning starters, each on the preseason All-SEC list,
passing the ball on Auburn will be just as fruitless as trying
to run against them this season. Auburn’s passing defense
was 14th in the nation last season, Patrick Lee, Jonathan Wilhite,
Aairon Savage and Eric Brock all contributed and are ready to
put forth an even better effort this year.
Eric Brock, who is easily one of my favorite players, will be
doing what he does best: hitting hard, making plays, and having
an awesome name. Eric Brock sounds like the name of the main
character in an 80’s one-man-army action flick…
naturally co-starring Halle Berry and Nick Saban as some psycho
with a bomb, a knife and an eye patch. War
Eagle!
