First of all, I’m a freakin’ engineer: which means that I am very good at math and problem-solving, but it also means that I fear change and have a very small understanding of the female populous. It also means that I use retarded words like “populous.” And as if I wasn’t enough of a social strain on society, I opted to participate in “Cooperative Education.” Being a “co-op” means that I leave the beautiful plains of Auburn every other semester in order to work full time with engineers and gain valuable work experience. I have accumulated a years worth of experience working in Birmingham and have finally returned back to Auburn for the long haul.

According to recent events, there should be some sort of government-run program for gradually reintroducing engineering co-ops to the college lifestyle. I am struggling with all the sleep and enjoyable free time I am continually exposed to. I have been conditioned to wake up in a grumpy stupor every morning at the butt-crack of dawn each day, work until sundown and spend a glorious 4 hours of free time with which I either spend with the UAB Campus Ministry (coolest people on Earth) or eating, and then go to bed around 10:30 in another grumpy stupor.

Without further adieu, here is an inappropriate/unrelated segway for the reasons why college is so much better than working. I was shopping for cold medicine one time and they asked for my ID. I said, “You have to check my ID for cold medicine?” and the clerk said, “Yeah, supposedly you can use it to make (insert hardcore drug name here… I forgot which one) with it.” I asked “How is keeping cold medicine out of the reach of minors going to prevent that? Are most drug producers still in high school?” And then went on a 5 minute “What is UP with cold medicine?” Jerry Seinfeld rant to which I received applause from the customers behind me as well as the 16 year old crack-addict whom I was buying the medicine for.

1) Sleep. I haven’t slept this much since middle school. My alarm clock has become nothing more than an ornament used for impressing girls (chicks like alarm clocks, right?). I don’t think college students understand how precious an afternoon nap is. You can’t take those when you are in the work force. The only thing that is better than an afternoon nap at home, is an afternoon nap during class. I haven’t gone to half of my classes and my reward is that I get to keep going to college instead of getting a job! Plus it is scientifically proven that your body regains more energy when you are sleeping on the couch instead of going to class. It’s science.

2) Chicks. They are everywhere. It is like the most awesome horror movie ever here at Auburn, only instead of a never-ending swarm of zombies looking to eat your brains, Auburn is infested with a growing number of hot chicks breaking through your windows and stuff (I just leave them wide open… for safety’s sake). But here’s the problem, I’m used to being surrounded by middle-aged men all day. I have adapted the lifestyle of a 90 year old mole, where despite the fact that Birmingham has its fair share of hot chicks as well, I have nothing on my mind after work except food and sleep. So long-story-short, I have a staring problem, and I was never too good at playing it cool in the first place.

3) Free Time. The main argument for why some people enjoy working is because they enjoy having some spending money. I had money, and I spent it. But I never had any time to play with all my new purchases. I hardly ever watched my new HDTV because I would always be too busy or tired to relax and watch the tube. I didn’t get to use my new digital camera too much because I hardly ever went out. For the last three years I have asked for a pony for my birthday, and after being denied on my 21st birthday, I had to take matters into my own hands. But now I don’t have a place to keep Cherry Jubilee! But now that I’m back in college, I’m taking pictures of myself watching my new HDTV while riding Cherry Jubilee!

4) Weight. I’ve lost 15 pounds instantly. It’s the opposite of the freshmen 15. You don’t lose any weight by sitting in a cubicle for 9 hours a day. And everything you eat just goes straight to the hips! Am I right girls!?! I haven’t even worked out or changed my diet, I just lost weight instantly… or maybe the scale I’m using is broken.

5) Shame. I’m not allowed to act stupid at work and it has been a little while since I’ve completely humiliated myself. For instance, it wasn’t three days of classes before I embarrassed myself in front of the class. I recently got this new cell phone. I won’t lie, it is pimp-diesel-tight-dank-real-deal-potato-peel. One of the functions is that it plays mp3s and you can wear headphones and treat it like say, an mp3 player. So I wear them all the time and I’m walking to class and I can’t help but walk to the beat. Its like you have your own theme music going on. Sadly, I trip about every time the beat changes, but that’s not the bad part. I stroll into class and put my phone on “silent” before taking the headphones out of the phone, hoping that would silence it. But nay, the phone blasts what I was listening to on the speakerphone, echoing throughout the classroom. What would an ultra cool rocker such as myself be listening to at that moment? Kelly Clarkson’s “Walk Away.” Shut up, it’s catchy. So in the horrible shame that is my taste in music, I fumble for about 13 seconds trying to turn it off. Stares, glares, snares and rocks were thrown at me. *Sigh*

It’s good to be back.

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com