How to be Cool
1-19-05
By: Ryan

Ah yes, it is time to get back into the flow of things.

When I walk to class, I see far too many people violating the rules of being cool, so I found it necessary to create a guide for all of the people out there who have no idea what it means to be cool. You may struggle with some of these topics, and that’s okay, it just means that you are a huge loser and that you should try all the harder to comply with my strategy to get people to love and adore you.

Never Hurry: I see far too often the occurrence of people speed walking to class, and that is SO not cool. I don’t care how late for class you are, you should never go faster than a casual walk, it makes you look like you care about class, which is the cardinal sin of being cool. The main basis for this is that cool people don’t show interest in anything. It’s ok to care about cool things, like football, video games and food. But its okay to be passionate about these things. It is not okay to care about dorky things like class and facebook.

Shower only on days that start with an S or T: This gives you Monday, Wednesday and Friday to sleep in and not worry about getting up early enough to shower. Showering every day is way too excessive. People in Europe only shower once every week and they have absolutely no personal space; that is undeniable proof that you will not smell bad, or bad enough to fend off people. As an added bonus, if you don’t wash your hair for a couple of days, you won’t need to use any hair gel, because the build-up of grease has the same effect. A great way to save money, save time, and look good for the ladies! But if they ask you if it is gel or grease building up, lie until you can’t lie anymore, because females for some totally uncool reason, think that it isn’t cool, even though it is.

Show gratitude in a cool fashion: Back in the day, people would say “Thank you” when you hold the door for them. Now our culture has evolved beyond the use for these words. People who say “Thank you” are now minced with a lead pipe so hot that your skin immediately turns to vapor upon impact. Now there are socially accepted ways to show gratefulness. For guys, you have to say “ ‘preciate it” in as low and monotone voice possible. Girls can pretty much say anything they want, they get away with everything.

Be creative with expletives: We all get angry, and there are generic (uncool) ways to respond, or there is the creative, yet illogical way to respond. I suggest using, or making up any word that starts with a ‘d’ other than ‘damn’ to express anger. Here are a few examples:
You get a 37% on a test: “Dagnabbit!”
You step on a nail: “Dingdang-Dildonger!
You are mad at someone: “You are such a Dirk McDonRod!”
The great thing about the letter ‘d’ is that no matter what you say, it has an impact. It has a powerful force that subliminally says “Watch out now, this guy is really cool AND he is mad.”

If you are ugly, walk in the shade: If you are incredibly ugly, do us all a favor and lay low. Don’t let the sun’s light reflect off of your ugly face and damage our retinas. That would be very cool of you if you didn’t. You can also wear a lot of headgear to ease the blow of seeing your face, such as wearing glasses and a hat, or maybe a brown paper bag. If you are attractive, well good for you, flaunt it.

Talk on the phone: In some situations you may find yourself walking alone, or standing by yourself outside of class or the doctor’s office or something. It is imperative that you talk on the phone, because that’s what everyone else does. If you are seen walking alone, cool people will judge you, because that is the cool thing to do. Call anyone and talk to them until you get to class, that way, people will assume that you have friends. When the situation is really bad, it may be necessary to fake a phone call, and spontaneously say “Uh huh” and “Okay” and “Man, that is such doonflake dungdaddy!” to make people thing that you are 1) Involved in a conversation 2) with a friend 3) and you are fervid with anger.

Be hypocritical: There is nothing cooler than saying one thing and doing the exact opposite. I follow absolutely none of the rules that I have spoken of earlier, but I am still the coolest kid in town because I am such a dirty hypocrite. Make fun of people’s social life, even though you have spent all day playing NCAA 2004 (If you were cool, you’d play NCAA 2005). Make a list of everything bad about you, and use that as ammo to torch someone else.

Don’t leave Auburn for Texas: Auburn is like the cool capital of the world. You would have to be the king of losers to leave this place. The absolute least cool thing you could possibly due, for example, is to leave your job at Auburn University to take a position at the University of Texas as co-defensive coordinator. That is the peak of the loser pyramid. Seriously Chizik, what in the Dante Donald Dickerson were you thinking!?! Not cool dude. Not Cool.

Go to theauburner.com and read all the articles: Going to theauburner.com is the ultimate in cool. There is not much else to say. Reading all of our articles will result in you sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of life, which is often occupied by us, theauburner.com writers.
WAR EAGLE!

Ryan can be contacted at ryan@theauburner.com