The Auburner Coorespondent: Booch Chiggins

Aaaaaah Bammit! I know all you Barners are shaking in your cow-school shoes now that the Crimson Tide has risen AGAIN! We’re just like Jason from Friday the 13th, only instead of a hockey mask, we wear houndstooth trucker hats! So while the Mighty Tide continues to rack up all sorts of off-the-field victories against AuBARN, you whiny little cowgirls continue to try and poke holes in the impenetrable armor that is Alabama Football! So maybe Julio Jones, the nations #1 recruited player and recent Bama commit, was wearing an Oklahoma Sweatshirt while testifying in a murder trial. Big fat daggum dingo. We aren’t paying Julio to tell the difference between his current school and another school halfway across the country with the same colors.

We’re paying him to catch the ball and run it into the daggum endzone. If we expected each of our players to be able to read the words printed on the front of our sweatshirts, we’d educate the players ourselves! However, such a notion would be a huge waste of all our resources as our only goal is to get the most out of these boys before they head for the big league (Prison League Football).

So maybe Redshirt Freshmen Defensive Lineman Jeremy Elder robbed two people at gunpoint for $26, and therefore “throwing away” his career and future. Big Whoopi Goldberg. I beg to differ. You Barners like to act like you’re high and mighty and say that $26 is not worthy of going to jail for. You fail to take into account the cost of living here in Tuscaloosa. What you may call “gunpoint robbery” or “crime” is what we like to call a “long term investment.” When Elder gets out of prison, he’s going to have $26 in the daggum bank under his name. For that kind of money, he could completely renovate his trailer! You can get duct tape and tin foil on eBay for at the very most $15 if you’re a smart bidder!

So maybe Alabama’s All-SEC Defensive Back Rashad Johnson, according to one source, pushed a security guard at a bar out the door and onto the ground, or according to The Birmingahm News, “he started ‘swinging his arms’ as the guard fell” (or what some people might define as “hitting” the guard). Who gives a daggum rat’s rump? The police thought this was worthy of punishment as Johnson became another tally as Alabama’s eighth arrested player since Saban joined the Tide. Saban, however, does not see the need to suspend this player. I wholly agree with Father Saban’s decision. How could any player who had 94 tackles and 6 interceptions last season possibly deserve any such punishment? He’s a daggum Saint!

Meanwhile, Alabama’s All-SEC Linebacker Prince Hall has been indefinitely suspended (AKA suspended until we start losing) for violating team policies. As a die-hard Rammer-Jammer, I could not be prouder of Saban’s current record of instituting values into our Crimson’d boys. I would imagine that Prince Hall’s offense was something truly worthy of suspension, probably related to answering to a higher authority than Bama Football! Hall might have actually restrained from attacking a security guard or possibly didn’t threaten not to break the law at all! That’s not Bama Football. For shame, Prince Hall, may you stay on the bench until you learn to turn your 40 up and then break the bottle over some unsuspecting bar-hopper’s face.

Which brings me to the solution to all these problems: Barack oBAMA. If you say Barack oBAMA ten times really fast, you start to say “Bama’s Back!” I don’t think that it’s any coincidence that the nation’s hottest candidate for president is making his rise at the same time as the glorious Tide of Crimson. If his name isn’t enough of an indication, think about this: Barack oBAMA intends to give illegal immigrants driver’s licenses, social security, social welfare… he’s pretty much going to make illegal immigrants legal! We all know what he’s really trying to do. Barack oBAMA, naturally a fellow hardcore Bama Fan, wants to legalize crime. Once Barack becomes president I won’t have to write complete articles trying to explain to you stupid Barners why it doesn’t matter that our players get arrested on a biweekly basis!

Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, Give them Hell Barack oBAMMER!

*Sorry, I didn’t mean to get political. I only brought it up because Obama's name rearanged is “Bama Back...aro”. I thought it was funny. Don’t send me any letters telling me how great Obama is, because you could send me an email about any candidate and how great they are and I would disagree with you… Nevermind, bring on the hate mail, I’m bored.