So the first quarter was the most awesome 15 minutes of my life. The game was decided after the first quarter, considering the Tide was unable to score more points in the entire game than we did in the opening 15 minutes. I have never seen a defensive line dominate an offensive line so much in my life, it was glorious. 11 sacks. If you noticed what I did, you noticed two things: We sacked Brodie Croyle on almost every third down when we subbed in our “Core Four” defensive line.
The other thing you should have noticed is that I once again could not handle the awesomeness that was Iron Bowl 2005 and I curled into the fetal position and rolled around in someone’s spilled coke.
Auburn did blah blah blah and Alabama didn’t do blah blah blah. I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know about the game itself. You and I already know that Bama is a hopeless wretch that had its hopes of a triumphant return to decency shattered by its unproven offense and Stanley McClover.
Since every other article you read is going to be based on what everyone knows from being there, I’ll tell you about my journey through the Iron Bowl. I woke up at about 7:30 to go to Kroger and buy some ice and drinks and sandwiches for the 7 hour wait in store for us. I then had an epiphany. I am the worst morning person in the world, but I had absolutely no problem at all getting up for the Iron Bowl. Getting up for something you are excited about is so much easier than getting up for class. What a worthless and non-insightful statement. But I must hurry, there is no time to backspace! So there I am in the bathroom, running on about three hours of sleep and I look at myself. I look like I had just seen “Eight Crazy Nights”, the only movie ever to make me cry. But alas, I continue onward. So I get Mark to give me a ride to the nearest point we can drive to the stadium, and from there I walk 4.2 kilometers while carrying a Styrofoam cooler full of ice and snacks. I arrive at the gates at about 9:00 and there are about 8 people in front of me. I stretch out my pulled back and look up to the beautiful blue sky. The guys in front of me say, “Hey, its Ryan!” Oh the life of a celebrity. So we talked about football and how much Alabama sucks and what not. Mark shows up and he knows all of them and the only reason they know who I am is because they’re Mark’s Electrical Engineering buddies… they’re a lot smarter than me and have really nice phones.
The first omen of the day was when a pigeon flew really low through the crowd and almost killed us all. I yelled “War Eagle” and like one guy laughed. Obviously this was a sign that Auburn was going to destroy Alabama on this blessed day. The second omen was when we spotted Santa Clause. I went over and took a picture with him and he said “Who’s going to win today?” I said “Auburn!” like a little child, but not on purpose. “That’s right, War Eagle!” He didn’t ask me what I wanted for Christmas, because he knew that I would ask for an awesome win for Auburn today. Santa knows that this year’s Iron Bowl is beyond his powers. Santa’s Christmas powers is not enough to override the undeniable gap between the horrid dismal crappiness that is Alabama and the super awesome wicked butterness that is Auburn. Therefore asking Santa for a Tiger win Saturday would be a wasted wish. If some Bama fan had found him first and asked for the Tide not to suck so freakin’ bad all the time, Santa would turn to him and say “Ho Ho Ho, isn’t that cute? No seriously, ask for something else, I can’t help you there.”
Another omen is that some chick behind me stole my shaker soon after I sat on her hot dog. It was a rather uncomfortable situation when I sat down and thought, “hmmmmm, what is that?” I look down to find a smashed hot dog. I pick it up and give it to the girl behind me, and I said “Well uhhhhhh… here’s your hot dog.” Needless to say, she wasn’t thrilled. But who puts their hot dog on the seat of the person in front of them? So I left to get a drink and returned to find my shaker missing. Treachery is afoot! I don’t know if that was an omen as much as a funny story.
I can’t tell you about the fourth omen. It is sacred.
The fifth and final omen is when the opening kickoff was about to begin, a beam of light cracked through the clouds and shined on Pat Dye Field. Most people thought the game was over after the first quarter, but it really ended before the ball was even kicked off.
And then we have Vandy beating Tennessee, killing the Volunteers from being eligible for a bowl this year. YEEEEEES! The only thing that would make this weekend any sweeter is if Vanderbilt were going to a bowl this year, I think they are the only other SEC team that I can say that about.
In conclusion, Auburn has beaten Alabama for the fourth straight year. Alabama was supposed to make this one interesting, but was just another excuse to shot-put Auburn into the top ten of all the polls. Bammers around the world are looking for excuses as to why they have fallen off the top of the world. “We didn’t have Prothro!” Well here is an interesting concept that Bammers might find interesting: IT’S CALLED DEPTH! Maybe if Alabama didn’t put all their hopes in a single player all year, maybe they wouldn’t fall to pieces when that player inevitably gets hurt! If you do recall, Brad Lester was our starting running back when he was injured, but guess what, our second string running back at the time, Kenny Irons, stepped up, and now he is the leading rusher in the SEC. Our starting center was injured this week. But wait, our second string center stepped up and you couldn’t tell a difference in the dominance of our offensive line. Bammers can’t blame their failures on injuries because we have had injuries as well, and in two of the most vital positions there are in football.
You can look forward to the annual Kudos Championship Series Rankings! War Eagle!