10) Nay-sayers. Everyone is hating. For all we know, blowing our bowl game last year against Wisconsin might be a blessing in disguise. The media has doubts about Auburn’s awesomeness and there is no team in the world better at proving them wrong.
9) Brandon Cox. With a year of experience under his belt, Cox is going to light up the SEC. Most of his targets are gone, but Courtney Taylor will swallow anything thrown within 10 yards of him. We also know that when the pressure is on, Cox is clutch. I’m okay with Brandon becoming the next big heart-throb here in Auburn, I’ve had plenty of time at the top, and it’s only fair to pass on the torch.
8) Probation. Due to the Pulitzer Prize winning journalism at the NY Times, Auburn’s long kept secret has been blown open: Sociology is a powder puff major! Why else do you think that the major is completely occupied with people with better things to do than go to class? I don’t know if we’ll go on some sort of probation, but if we do, we all know how good we are when games don’t matter (1993).
7) Home-schedule. We house games against Washington State, LSU, Arkansas, Florida, and Georgia. That’s 3 top 10 teams and 2 top 25 teams. Do the math: 3 x 10 + 2 x 25 = 80. That’s so awesome I don’t even know what that means!
6) Tubbs and Borges. Auburn is always going to cause some serious damage
as long as these two are still running the sidelines. They are an unstoppable
pair of strategic and comedic geniuses... just like Bert and Ernie! Only Tubbs
and the Borg aren’t ambiguously homosexual.
5) Defensive Ends. A lot of people think that our defensive line is gooched now that Stanley McClover left for the NFL. I beg to differ. While The Predator was a ferocious animal that destroyed the lives and ate the souls of opposing offenders, he didn’t play for most of the season. Auburn ruled just as hard without him. Quentin Groves and Marquies Gunn are both just as effective as McClover is. Word on the street is that they pack a small tombstone in their pads so that they can have a brief and effective burial for all the quarterbacks they mortally mutilate.
4) A full season with Kenny Irons. The depth chart at running back is already settled and now we get to see a fully charged Kenny Irons dominate for an entire season. Should Kenny get a little tired, we’ll just send it Brad Lester or Carl Stewart or Tre Smith and settle for 5 yards per carry instead of 7. That’s deep (Double meaning! Nyuk nyuk nyuk).
3) Will Herring. Will Herring has been our leading tackler since before he even attended Auburn. The one complaint most people have with Will Herring is that he occasionally blows coverage and allows the deep ball. Well guess what, Will has been moved up to Linebacker so he doesn’t need to hold back anymore by worrying about the bomb, he can dedicate himself solely to knocking lesser beings unconscious… and he will.
2) Aubie. There is no mascot that can even touch the awesomeness of Aubie.
He seriously has to be the funniest mascot ever. Other mascots can’t
do what Aubie can because they are too bulky. Aubie has about 20 different
sub-costumes that intensifies the hilarity. We can look forward to Aubie’s
comic relief to distract us from feeling sorry for the battered remains of
opposing teams. The second funniest mascot is Big Red of Western Kentucky.
As a sensible human, I have to confess that Big Red is hilarious.
1) Giving Bammer’s the thumb. Bammers will remember November 18, 2006 as the day that Auburn handed them the thumb, Shula lost his job, and Tuscaloosa was bulldozed and rebuilt into an environment fit for human habitation.
Ryan can be contacted at email@example.com