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by Ryan
3-12-07
Once upon a time, men were men. When boys would come of age, they were issued a spear, a sword, a shield and a beard. This was Sparta. And after watching ‘300’, I am officially announcing that next year’s Halloween will officially be called “Dress up like a Spartan Or Your Y-Chromosome Will Be Revoked” Day.
The Movie ‘300’ is a gift to men everywhere. I overheard some girl claim that ‘300’ is “Some guy power movie,” which puzzled me. I didn’t think that was possible. There are ‘Guy Movies’, but never a “Guy Power” movie. What is going to happen in a Guy Power movie? A male finds a way to succeed in a female’s world? The closest thing we’ve had to a Guy Power movie was ‘Junior’ starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, in which our hero becomes the first male to ever give birth to a child. Guy Power!
But I was wrong.
‘300’ is a full blown Guy Power movie. This movie embodies everything
that is manly: Fighting, Arrogance, Glory, Stubbornness, Brotherhood, Honor,
Facial Hair, Teamwork, Respect, and, of course, Gratuitous Violence. I don’t
know how, but everyone in the theater, regardless of what they looked like
before, left the movie with a handlebar mustache, or as I call it, a “Manstache.”
Check it out:
I think the only bone thrown to possible female viewers is that Spartans wear very little clothing, are impossibly ripped, and completely lack body hair. Let’s be honest, there is no way that every last Spartan is able to grow a full beard and be as smooth as a dolphin from the neck down. This is what Spartans really looked like:
So now I’m bent on manliness. But this world frowns upon Beef Jerky I.V.s and punching everything in the face. Today’s world puts too much focus on logic, obedience, and due process. This is when I ultimately decided that this is a Guy Power movie. In a world where Reality TV, hygiene, fashion, and diet plans are king, 300 dares to take manliness to the extreme and rub it in your sissy-little face. I give 300 an unprecedented 300 Spartans out of 5.
WAR EAGLE
*Mom, do not go see this movie.
E-mail Ryan at ryan@theauburner.comShare
