Arkansas
It’s payback time. Arkansas can throw all the trick plays
and midgets
they want at Auburn, it won’t save them. By the way, has that
4’9” runningback who hid behind the line last year and
snuck around ever get to play another snap? Or was the sole purpose
of his college football career to run under the Auburn D-Line last
year? Anyways, I kind of feel bad for Houston Nutt since all of
his players are slowly leaving Arkansas for other schools. Tuberville
isn’t as sympathetic. Darren McFadden and Felix Jones might
be the best running duo since Ronnie and Cadillac, and stopping
them will be difficult for the Auburn Tigers. Arkansas will miss
Mitch Mustain more than Lindsay Lohan misses alcohol as the lack
of leadership behind the Razorback center won’t be enough
to supplement the monstrous Arkansas running attack. Auburn will
roll over Arkansas for an impressive 24-7 road victory which few
Auburn fans will actually attend because… well… it’s
IN Arkansas.
LSU
It’s payback time... oh, wait. LSU can take pride in being
the only team to defeat Auburn on the road in the past 3 years,
on that fateful night in which the football gods frowned upon John
Vaughn and cursed him with a bad case of “Gimp-Toe”
which resulted in 5 missed field goals, leading to LSU escaping
another bitter defeat from the Orange and Blue Tigers. LSU is going
to try their very best to keep up with a pumped Auburn team, but
will end up sucking more than Daddy Day Camp. Once again, this game
will come down to a controversial call, in which passing interference
will be called on an LSU cornerback which gives Auburn the critical
first down in order to move into field goal range with just enough
time to get off one more play. Our new kicker, whoever he will be,
will continue the John Vaughn tradition and shank it far left, much
to the Bayou Bengals’ delight, but Auburn still wins 38-12.
Auburn will win at a price as usual, as drunken LSU fans/players
will throw their beer/liquor/gasoline bottles at the players as
they leave.
Ole
Miss
With Ole Miss Ladies in conjunction with Auburn Girls, Auburn Alabama
might be the hottest place on earth on October 27. Al Gore will
blame it on global warming, but we will all know it’s just
because the chicks are hot. Ole Miss is easily one of the top three
schools in the SEC as far as hot chicks go, which makes them one
of the top five schools in the nation in the hot girl rankings (USC
and Florida State get props too… mostly because of the always
gratuitous and appreciated fact that they dress like strippers).
Ole Miss treated Auburn to a dose of female hotness last season,
and Auburn will return the favor and remind Ole Miss why southern
girls will eventually take over the world. Oh yea, Auburn beats
the Rebels by a touchdown or two… but no reasonable guy in
the crowd will notice. Auburn wins 21-14?
Tennessee
Tech (aka Auburn’s bye week)
Will this game be Kodi Burn’s debut as a starter? This should
be an exciting look at the future of Auburn… if Auburn played
borderline Division AA teams week in and week out, or if Auburn
suddenly became part of the Big East… ZING! But seriously,
who cares. Auburn’s freshmen class destroys Tennessee Tech
until Tubs runs out of players to put into the game. Auburn 250
to Tennessee Tech -4. That’s right, Tenn Tech scores negative
4 points.
Georgia
Let’s admit it, Georgia had a pretty terrible season last
year (by Georgia standards), and we took them softly, and they came
in like any respectable SEC team would and spanked us like we were
naughty children. This year’s game on the other hand, will
be a monstrous three hour brawl. Both teams will have this date
circled in red on their calendar. This game will be even more amazing
than the ladies in the stands, and that’s saying a lot. If
Georgia is consistent in anything, it is good football and hot chicks…
and I have no issues admitting that. Auburn’s defense will
make an amazing stand to keep the Bulldogs from getting into field
goal range to possibly win the game in an epic 28-27 Tiger win.
Alabama
I think we should start the counting over. We won five in a row
while Alabama was incompetent and hopeless, there’s only so
much pride you can take in that. We should start counting how many
times in a row we beat Alabama when they’re incompetent but
hopeful. There will still be a bitter taste of victory in this game
since Alabama will always play beyond themselves for the Iron Bowl
and I don’t see Alabama having more than 6 wins at this point.
I would consider Alabama’s season a success if they end the
season with a winning record. It was bad enough when everyone was
just plain better than them, but now everyone is better than them
AND they are mad at them. And the last thing that Bama wants is
to re-ignite Auburn’s joy for destroying Bama, or compare
Bama girls to Auburn girls. It’s the “Year Two-Thousand
Saban” and it will be capped off with Auburn ‘hand’ing
Bama their 7th loss of the season as Bama will also lose to LSU,
Vanderbilt, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida State, and Tennessee (honestly,
Bama will go freakin’ nuts if they win a single one of these
games), knocking them out of bowl eligibility. Restart the count
at one, Auburn dominates in a 21-11 Iron Bowl victory.
