ACC: 33-15 (68.75% pitiful)
Big 12: 36-12 (75%... not bad)
Big East: 29-11 (72.5%... I hate them but the stats don’t lie)
Big Ten: 35-9 (79.94%... definitely deserves respect)
Conference USA: 16-32 (33.33%... remind me never to even bother to compile stats on the CUSA ever again)
Pac-10: 21-10 (67.74%... worst of any BCS conference)
SEC: 40-8 (83.33%... Bama was the only team with multiple OOC losses… just an observation)

So going into the bowl season, the only team that should statistically be able to withstand the immortal aura that is SEC football is the Big Ten… though they shall still perish. Observe as I unfold unto you with unfailing accuracy and relevance the fate of each bowl:

San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Navy
For once, there is an interesting bowl game to kick off the holiday season in the Who-Gives-A-Crap Bowl. I’m watching it right now and the first quarter just ended, so giving a prediction while the game is underway is what I call cheating and disrespectful journalism and I would be a liar and a thief if I continued to give a prediction. So I’ll just give it a shot in the dark… 35-32, Utah wins!

R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
Since Memphis has a pretty impressive passing game, and since Florida Atlantic sucks not only at football, but also sucks at Life (the board game that no one knows how to play, but Florida Atlantic still seems to suck at it despite all the confusion), I’m going to give Memphis the go-ahead to punch FAU in the face merely for sharing the same state borders as Tim Tebow (Does he honestly need to cry after every win/loss/award/meal?) Memphis 31, FAU 19.

Papajohns.com Bowl: Cincinatti vs. Southern Miss
The sponsor is not to be confused with Papa Johns, the pizza company, but papajohns.COM, the website. It wasn’t bad enough that Papa John is a total tool, but his bowl game will exhibit absolutely no defense, as I predict both teams to put up over 40 points on the board. However, since Papa John thought he’d pull a quick one on us by sponsoring with his website instead of his actual business, I’m going to predict his bowl with letters instead of numbers. Cincinatti wins T-L. I know that is stupid, but so is Papa John… GO PIZZA HUT!

New Mexico Bowl: Nevada vs. New Mexico
I would give New Mexico home field advantage since the bowl is named after their team, but word on the street that they are renaming Mexico to Old Mexico, New Mexico to Mexico, and they are now going to use the term New Mexico for what used to be called Texas. ZING! To balance things out though, they will start calling Montana: Old Canada. Anyways, the current New Mexico will do just enough to pull the upset over Nevada, but no one will care because it’s Nevada and New Mexico playing… I mean come on. Nevada wins who-cares? to who-gives?

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: Brigham Young vs. UCLA
BYU is so overrated it makes me want to vomit… and this is without having watched a single play of any of their games. So I’m an elitist jerk, big whoop, wanna fight about it? Listen, I just went over BYU’s stats and they are statistically better than UCLA in every aspect of the game from pass offense to relative distance to the nearest Taco Bell, yet I still have the tenacity and arrogance to declare that UCLA will win by three touchdowns. UCLA wins 28-7.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Boise State vs. East Carolina
Man this game is going to suck. Why is East Carolina in a bowl again? I don’t care that Boise State pulled one of the most memorable upsets in the history of football with a slew of trick plays that shouldn’t have worked, but they did… gloriously. I foolishly assumed that Oklahoma would simply rip them to shreds without breaking a sweat so I didn’t even watch it and then had to listen to everyone tell me how I missed the greatest game ever. I instead opted to watch an old VHS of Mission Impossible 2 (it gets better each time I watch it!) and the rest was history. I may or may not watch this year’s Boise State game, depending on whether I’m within a reasonable vicinity of a recording of Blade 2 or Undercover Brother (The two greatest comedies of our era). Whether or not I watch it, the game will suck as Boise State beats another terrible team 54-30.

Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Purdue
I’m starting to regret saying that the bowl games were better this year than last. This game sucks too. I don’t know if I can snore loud enough to drown out the pain of knowing this bowl game might put the potency of the nap I will take during this time slot at risk. Purdue spanked them earlier this season, they’ll do it again. Purdue wins 34-13.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Texas vs. Arizona State
YES! Now we’re freakin’ talking! This year’s first bowl that is truly worthy of watching. Can Texas keep their act together for long enough not to collapse against a very potent ASU offense? This game will be the most exciting when Arizona State is on offense and Texas is on defense. Both teams’ strengths will face each other and both teams’ weaknesses will face each other. Texas will make a few huge stops, ASU will make a few big plays on offense, while Texas offense will ruin a few drives and ASU will somehow allow Texas to score a few undeserved points. Fun to the very end: Texas wins 33-30.

Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College vs. Michigan State
BC was somehow ranked second in the nation at one point this season, and now is completely unranked, disrespected, and probably even hated by everyone in the nation. Michigan State on the other hand is that team that every now and then picks off one of the higher tier teams in the Big Ten while traditionally dropping a few turds against someone who sucks (like Bama, but not actually Bama… but someone who sucks an equivalent amount as Bama). This one is a coin toss, as I have very little absolute faith in either team to make the big plays necessary to win this game. Therefore, I will place all my faith in Boston College’s ability to blow big games. Michigan State lucks out and wins 11-9 (I love safeties!).

Texas Bowl: TCU vs. Houston
Another great defensive team (TCU) matched up against an all-offensive team (Houston). This should be fun to watch for half of the game (when Houston’s on offense), but an eyesore for the other half of the game (TCU’s offense reminds me of Rosanne Barr). Here’s hoping that TCU loses the ball as quickly as possible each time they’re on offense so we’ll get to enjoy the great matchup of TCU’s D vs. Houston’s O. I think Houston’s offense is just a little better, plus you can’t win if you can’t score. Houston wins 24-21.

Emerald Bowl: Oregon State vs. Maryland
I’m losing steam. I can’t pretend that I care about this game. Both teams are pretty good, though Oregon State was showing more potential throughout the season. The only thing interesting about this game really are the mascots: A freakin’ Beaver and a freakin’ Turtle. Hilarious. Sounds like a rejected nursery rhyme. The Beavers win this fairy tale because the Turtle took a nap or something like that… Also, Beavers swim on their backs and eat off their belly. Oregon State 38, Maryland 21.

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Connecticut
I’m actually going to be at this game, and therefore it will be awesome. I can’t tell who I like less in this joust between underachieving teams in the two weakest (In my opinion, even though stats still don’t support my disrespect for the Big East) conferences in football. I’ll pretty much just be making fun of both of these teams throughout the game, hopefully I’ll get to be on TV, because we all know the real action is in that stands! That didn’t make sense, I’m tired. Wake Forest 23, Connecticut 23… that’s right, a tie.

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Central Florida
FINALLY! An SEC game! Central Florida will get a healthy dosage of the SEC’s most underrated defense as they get shut out. Central Florida will go in thinking they can continue to live off their running game and ignore the fact that they can’t pass, and they will suffer an untimely metaphorical death on national television as MSU doesn’t score a single point on offense either, but their defense puts up 14 on the board. Go SEC, Go! MSU-14, Central Florida-0.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Penn State vs. Texas A&M
I’m not going to lie, I love Joe Pa. I don’t know how he continues to cheat death, but I’m so happy he does. Despite my unconditional love for Joe Pa, similar to my love for my two huskies at home (They can pee all over the place and my whole family will think it’s hilarious and cute), he is definitely not fit to coach. Have you seen how thick his glasses are? I doubt the guy has seen an object he legitimately recognizes in a decade. Texas A&M will clobber Penn State, but Joe Pa will still be awesome! Aggies win 24-7.

PetroSun Independence Bowl: Alabama vs. Colorado
Both teams have mounted incredible upsets this season, with Alabama destroying Tennessee and Colorado taking down Oklahoma. On the other hand, both Colorado and Alabama can boast their ability to completely melt down and lose to opponents who didn’t even come into the game with the intent to win: Colorado dropped one against 3-9 Iowa State and Alabama found a way to lose against Louisiana-Monroe. Colorado is coming off a sweet win over Nebraska to heal their wounds while Alabama goes into this bowl on a 4 game losing streak. Bama will win this game, and even though they don’t even care about it, Bammers will rejoice and declare the Tide is back for the fourth time this season. Bama-22, Colorado 12.

The Second Half of the bowl picks coming soon!

War Eagle!

* I never really promised anything

E-mail Ryan at ryan@theauburner.com

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