It’s time to award an Auburn football player 'The Auburner Player of the Year Award'. This award is given annually to the top Auburn player who isn’t a household name in the Auburn nation. How do I determine who is a ‘household name’? I asked my mom to list the players she knows, those guys are then excluded because those guys are probably going to win many other prestigious prizes like the Nobel Peace Prize or All-SEC recognitions for being so well known. I’ll list the top four players nominated for the award and then I’ll give them a ‘style’ score and a ‘performance’ score... I’m giving everyone a performance score of 10/10, because they all rock. So this one will come down to the style scores. How am I qualified to give these players scores? I’m not. I’ve never played football. I don’t even know the difference between a strong safety and a free safety. I don’t even know the difference between nickel and dime defenses. However, the internet is a wonderful tool for people like me to fake competence constantly.
Anyways… the nominees:
Bennett, Tight End: Cole has a great touchdown celebration, he
flexes in an Arnold Schwarzenegger type way. I think he was wide open
when catching the touchdown pass against Alabama not because of his quickness,
but because the guy covering him feared Cole’s beastliness. I’m
deducting 2 points from his style score because he agreed to give the
auburner an interview. While this was really cool of him, he should know
that as a football player, he’s above granting interviews to losers
Style score…. 7
Duckworth, Offensive Guard: Whenever somebody scores a touchdown,
he sprints to the guy who scored and lifts him above his head in a victory
celebration. Sometimes the player is visibly unwilling to be thrown in
the air in this fashion. He doesn’t care and does it anyway, which
gives him bonus style points. This guy is really tough and will be a great
replacement to Marcus McNeill next year... I think he has another year...
Style score.... 8
Irons, Corner: He’s listed on Auburn’s athletic website
as being 6’1”. Either that’s a lie, or every receiver
he’s covered is 7’3”. The fact that he’s shorter
than Terry Bowden does not faze* him. He can leap over Haley Center. When
he slaps down a ball, it explodes and turns into leather confetti. The
newspapers say he trash talks a lot, which is cool. However, he gets the
majority of his style points because he belittles his receivers by DANCING
before the snap. How demeaning is that to a receiver? You see a guy much
shorter than you DANCING right before the ball is snapped. After the ball
is snapped, he stays on you and slaps the ball away.
Style score…. 10
Jackson, Nose Guard: I’m certain this guy will be Alabama’s
governor one day. He has a great personality, he graduated from Auburn
after only three years with a public administration degree and he can
sack Brodie Croyle… all are great qualifications for a governor.
He weighs 311 lbs and can do a flip which also greatly adds to the style
Style score…. 9
Congratulations to David Irons for being The Auburner.com Player of The Year for 2005.
Mark can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org