|
by Mark
1-16-06
Alabama fans have accused Auburn fans of it for over a century;
“You’re obsessed with Alabama.”
Even though many Auburn fans will try to deny it, it’s true. If someone tells you they’re an Auburn football fan and they’re not obsessed with Alabama, they’re lying.
Alabama football is simply more interesting than Auburn football. It’s not that Alabama football is better than Auburn football. It’s just that Alabama football brings far more entertainment to Auburn fans during the nine month football drought.
One thing that keeps football fans entertained during the offseason is scandals. Nothing is more boring than an Auburn scandal. Auburn’s scandals are so boring and seldom that The New York Times ran a front page story after a reporter discovered Auburn University offered an easy Sociology class.
Alabama scandals are far more entertaining since they always involve some sort of combination of guns, drugs, strippers and backstabbing.
Whenever the news reports stories about Auburn and Alabama,
the Alabama story is almost always more interesting or at least hilarious.
Examples from this week:
Auburn Article: Quentin Groves loves his mom.
Bama Article: Saban distracts drivers – causes accidents
|
By the way, I love how Microsoft Word shows “Saban” as misspelled - causing spell check to ask “Did you mean Satan?” An argument can be made that Alabama fans are more interesting than Auburn fans. Ask an average Auburn fan how his day went and he’ll probably bore you with a story about a meeting he went to at work and how he went home and had dinner with his family. |
 |
Ask an Alabama fan how his day went and you’ll get a story about a septic tank infested with rabid squirrels.
|
Another Bama obsessed man recently wrote a somewhat objective book about Alabama fans called Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer. His name is Warren St. John and he’s a writer for The New York Times. For one season he lived with Bama fans in their natural tailgating habitats in the same way Jane Goodall lived with chimpanzees. By reading research by both these individuals, I can appreciate just how humanlike their subjects really are. Face the facts, Alabama fans are more fascinating than Auburn fans. It’s not that Alabama is ‘better’ than Auburn, or that I want them to do better. When you watch Star Wars you want Luke to defeat the empire, but Darth Vader is the reason the movies are so great. We want Deathstars to be created – it’s fun to watch Luke and crew blow them up. We want Alabama to land the prized pretty boy quarterback recruit – it’s fun to watch Quentin Groves digest them. |
 |
Wins over Alabama have lost their luster recently. Heck, the
last time Alabama beat Auburn, gas was a $1.18 a gallon and Brittany Spears
was still considered attractive.
The Iron Bowl needs a better storyline to stay fresh since the last couple
bouts have been nothing more than “Beat Bama – Laugh at Bama”.
Auburn needs to be the underdog again for Auburn fans to take more meaning
from these football games. It’s the same problem Sylvester Stallone
ran into when he wrote the later Rocky movies.
How do you make the reigning champion the underdog?
In Rocky IV, Rocky had already won the title and defended the title. How does Rocky become the underdog? Raise the stakes – have Rocky fight a monster from Russia and end the Cold War itself in the process.
Alabama has raised the stakes with hiring Saban. Compare Tommy
Tuberville’s pregame speeches from 2006 and 2007 (the future):
2006 Iron Bowl Pregame Speech
“Well, we're going to the Cotton Bowl if we win or lose this one. Nobody's
dumb enough to try to fire me if we lose this game. Don't get me wrong. I
want to win, but there's no denying that Alabama wants to win this game waaay
more than we do. But I don't know; let’s give this game a good effort.
Heck, maybe beating them will be good for a laugh.”
2007 Iron Bowl Pregame Speech
“Coach Nick Saban will be paid over four million dollars this year by
Alabama. If Alabama wins this game, universities across America will get the
message that they can buy football wins. Other universities will come up with
similar big money contracts forcing alumni to donate massive amounts of money
to the football program instead towards research or scholarship programs.
This will result in the complete collapse of all American universities and
eventually the collapse of America.”
“Look. I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you. If you lose this game,
this time next year, America will probably be run by Al-Qaeda.”
Brad Lester asks “Coach, will there still be football under Al-Qaeda?”
“No Bradley. Al-Qaeda knows only one sport – soccer.”
Yes. These are
the stakes now. It’s up to Tommy Tuberville to save the world.
E-mail mark at
mark@theauburner.com
