Muschamp: Back when we thought he was like that guy in Rain Man.

Yesterday, I was worried about Muschamp’s departure. Like the majority of Auburn fans, I thought Auburn’s defense was stout because of the massive, yet brilliant, man-child on the Auburn sideline. However, due to what I've read in today’s paper, I think differently concerning the brilliant part. From the Huntsville Times: Muschamp told The Times that, when he looked over the copy of the original contract he had with him while in Atlanta for the Chick-fil-A Bowl, he was alarmed. Though the agreement called for him to be paid the full value of the contract should he be fired, he said it did not guarantee he would be paid in full if head coach Tommy Tuberville left. "Obviously, there was a miscommunication on my contract," Muschamp said Saturday. "The way I read it, my contract was up on Feb. 5, 2008. I had to do what was best for my family."

This brings up some big questions, because none of that adds up. Why did Muschamp first read his contract in Atlanta - an entire year after he signed it - when he already knew he was guaranteed another contract? Why did he think there was a chance his contract would expire in February even though there was NOTHING in his contract which suggested so?

My best guess is that a Chick-fil-A Bowl employee gave Will Muschamp a complementary book of Chick-fil-a coupons. Will Muschamp mistakenly thought this was his contract. He approved the provisions concerning chicken biscuits, but he freaked out when he saw the 2/08 expiration date. He quickly called his agent, Jimmy Sexton, telling him of his displeasure and the rest is history.

The only alternative theory worth considering is that Muschamp isn’t actually an idiot man-child and that he was actually a contributing factor to a football team. Maybe there’s a chance that he actually came up with rational reasons as to why he would want to take the Texas job. Most people seem to be subscribing to this theory, but these people need to keep in mind that Jimmy Sexton is Will Muschamp and Tommy Tuberville’s agent. If Muschamp really was a valuable asset to the Auburn football team, his departure would’ve infuriated Tuberville. It would not be in Jimmy Sexton’s best interest to anger Tuberville, one of his highest paid clients. Tuberville had to have been happy with Muschamp’s departure; otherwise, Tuberville dropped Sexton as his agent immediately.

I wish I could see what will happen in Texas’ athletic complex Monday. Mack Brown will be excited to see Muschamp in his office.

“Willie my boy! Let me see your brilliant defensive playbook!”, he’ll say.

Muschamp then hands him a half eaten copy of Green Eggs and Ham, screams and leaves the room – leaving a Muschamp shaped hole in Mack’s office wall.

Mack Brown, knowing he had been fooled, looks out his window and with his fist raised in the air screams “I’ll get you Tuberville! If it’s the last thing I dooooooooo!!!!!”

While Auburn’s offensive philosophies have changed with the various offensive coordinators, the defense has always remained a rock because of Tuberville – the man whose own defensive genius was forged at Miami in the 80s.

Since it’s now proven that Tuberville has controlled 100% of Auburn’s defense, it doesn’t even matter who becomes Auburn’s next defensive coordinator. I now think Gene Chizik may have left to Texas because he actually thought for himself and interfered with Tuberville’s brutal and borderline sadistic defensive schemes. So, Chizik left for Texas – a place where he could be more than just Tuberville’s yes-man. Unfortunately for Chizik, his path has led him to Iowa where he’s become a bigger state loser than Giuliani.*

I recommend naming Junior Rosegreen as defensive coordinator. Auburn will keep putting up awesome defense numbers under Tuberville’s puppet defensive rule. Whoever becomes president in 2008 will see Auburn’s monster defense and appoint Rosegreen a job as the United State’s Secretary of Defense. It probably won’t be a good move for America, but Tubs and Co. will have a good laugh over it.

War Eagle!

*That doesn’t really make much sense, but presidential primary jokes are "in". Chizik will do fine as a head coach.

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com

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