Remember Auburn's defense? Those guys who people said may 'get soft' after moving to the spread? Yeah, those guys who received practically zero press during the off season in lieu of “Auburn Tight Ends will finally be awesome this year thanks to the spread” articles? Remember them?

They're college football's greatest defense. Late in the game, our defense looked happy - genuinely happy. Seriously, they were all smiles while everyone else in orange and blue had looks of despair and horror. They didn't look the slightest bit frustrated even though they had every right to be since the offense kept letting them down over and over.

Auburn's defense is all smiles (with Tez Doolittle as "that guy")

To further illustrate the power of Auburn's defense, here's the Mississippi State Quarterback's stream of conciseness during one of the snaps;

“Why does Tray Blackmon and other defensive players wear bright orange paint under their eyes? Isn't the purpose of wearing paint to keep light from reflecting off your face and into your eyes? The paint needs to be black to do that. Orange paint would actually reflect more light into .... oh, the ball's being snapped. I better pay more attention... Hey, that orange paint is getting bigger. Uh oh... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NOOOO!!!!!! PLEASE, NO!!!!! NOOOOO!!!! PLEASE!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY UNDERSTAND MEEEEEEE!!!!!”

Right now, Auburn's offense looks like a little baby. A little baby in a cute little sailor suit and pretty golden locks of hair carrying a bright and shiny lollipop. The lollipop represents a football. The lollipop is easily stolen by anybody who wants it. However, the little baby is best friends with Auburn's defense, which is literally (yes, literally) a 200 story tall tyrannosaurus rex who can shoot lasers from its eyes, breath fire from it's mouth and shoot out live, ferocious tigers from its nostrils. The two friends can still average out to be a pretty good football team.

There are bright spots in Auburn's offense. They can rebound from Saturday's performance, but major changes need to be made. Many are using the “but we had 300+ offensive yards” argument. This is a dangerous argument because it doesn't matter how many yards Auburn gained – the score is what matters. Anyone who defends Tony Franklin by using the word 'recruits' is a disgrace to Auburn fans. Auburn has the tools for a dominate offense.

More offensive scoring is better than more offensive yards. However, being 3-0 is much better than being 1-2, as we were last year at this time – so overall, things are better. And when I say “things” I mean Auburn's defense. And when I say “Auburn's defense” I mean, “despair inducing thunder lizards who cast their wrath via sacks, picks and behind the line tackles.

Did any of you watch that old Saturday morning cartoon 'Inspector Gadget'? Inspector Gadget is a secret agent who has a mechanical body full of 'gadgets'. He's able to extend his arms and legs to great lengths and he can fly through the air with a helicopter blades that come out of this hat. Despite being full of little gadgets – he was completely incompetent, unable to solve a single case by himself. Inspector Gadget's niece and her dog were always secretly following Inspector Gadget around and getting him out of trouble. Watching Auburn Saturday reminded me of Inspector Gadget. Franklin's the inspector, gadgets and all, and Auburn's defense was the little girl in pigtails always bailing him out... except instead of being a little girl, they're a gigantic t-rex from outer space who shoots ferocious ti... you get the idea.

If Al Borges is hired by an SEC school next year, and if Kodi Burns transfers to that school.... well, that would suck, mostly because that would put Auburn on the receiving end of some beautiful poetic justice. Can you imagine the irony of Bobby Petrino hiring Al Borges and Burns going back home to Arkansas? UCLA really should have hired Borges last year. Had they done that, they would've at least put up a few points against BYU, and more importantly, it would keep me from having a sense of impending doom via Al Borges in the back of my mind.

Teams with amazing defenses and poor offenses can achieve great things. Go to a nursing home and ask an elderly person about Alabama's 1992 season. According to historical records, Alabama won a national championship that year with a powerful defense a very average looking offense. Defending national champions travel to Auburn, and Auburn still has a great shot of winning as long as our defense's will is not broken. I predict Auburn to be 4-0 after next week. It also might be the score to the LSU game. WAR EAGLE!!!!!!

You won Tubs. Why the long face?? (ha ha, get it? HIS FACE ACTUALLY IS LONG!!!)

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com
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