After Tuberville's infamous “seven finger salute”, you've probably heard or read a variation of the following from a citizen of the Saban Nation; “I'm glad he done it, because once Saban gets his recruits in and beats Auburn... I'm going to show ol' wingnut a finger of my own – if you know what I mean!” It wasn't until about the third time I heard this argument when I began to wonder, “Has Tommy Tuberville been conditioning these people to flip him off once Alabama finally beats Auburn?”One day, in the distant future, Alabama will probably beat Auburn. Just moments after the fourth quarter ends to this disastrous game, TV cameras will zoom in on Alabama fans capturing shots of mass celebration. These fans will be ecstatic and with good reason - They will have just witnessed Alabama's greatest victory since 2001.

Did Tuberville plan this? Could he control the actions of a large percentage of Alabama fans by simply lifting a finger? Figuratively, that is. If taking things literally, it's up to seven fingers he needs to extend.

Could he have really sat behind his desk at some point in 2005 and thought;

“This streak against Bama is pretty awesome, but it sure won't be fun when we finally lose... if only there was some way I could develop a propaganda campaign to brainwash thousands of people who hate me to do something that'll make me look awesome at the precise moment they're feeling their happiest and I'm at a low point.”

This sounds outlandish, but Tommy Tuberville has pulled of some amazing feats in his life. Jetgate immediately comes to mind. It's late 2003, Tommy Tuberville faces a possible losing season after being predicted to play for the national championship earlier in the year. Tommy Tuberville's boss, Tommy Tuberville's boss's boss, and members of the Board of Trustees (everyone's boss) stepped on a private jet. Their intent was to hire a new football coach and fire Tommy Tuberville.

Flash forward one year. Still the head coach at Auburn, Tuberville is the AP coach of the year while most people on the Jetgate plane are out of a job. Who else can pull that off?

Consider the fate of the previous Alabama coaches Tuberville has faced. One's a high school coach. One's unemployed. One's an NFL assistant coach. These are three men who once held what many to consider 'the most coveted coaching job in America'. The only former Alabama coach to find moderate success in his career was the one who never had to face Tuberville in the Iron Bowl.

Finally, Tommy Tuberville has a hot wife. It seems he talked her into marrying him when he was a poor graduate assistant living in a trailer. On top of that, he's a somewhat goofy looking guy. Brainwashing had to be involved.

Tuberville has pulled off too many amazing feats in his life with very little explanation. Exploitive mind control is a valid conclusion to make.

Nick Saban has a few unexplainable accomplishments as well. For example, I can't see how someone can recruit top ranked recruits to a team whose fans actually think the state of Alabama was a much better place to live in during the 1960s and 1970s. Somehow, Saban pulls it off. The difference between Saban and Tuberville is that Saban doesn't hide the fact that he's constantly thinking and scheming. Tuberville will do everything he can to make you think he's just a simple guy so you'll let your guard down.

But then again, we are talking about Alabama fans. Even goldfish can be trained to do simple tasks. Complex propaganda might not be required. Sometimes Auburn achieves desired results by accident.These are people who make fun of Auburn for throwing a parade after going 13-0 in 2004. We're almost four years removed from that parade and I still get random e-mails from Bama fans about the subject. “Laugh now but at least we don't throw parades for finishing SECOND PLACE.” was the bulk of an e-mail I was sent a few weeks ago.

These people make fun of us for ENJOYING a PARADE. Here's a quick rule of thumb on how to know if something's awesome or not; Ask an expert on the subject to list the three worst things about the subject. If one of the worst things listed is “parades are thrown”, then it's probably pretty awesome.

That's where they are right now as a fanbase, they're having to find fault in simply having a parade. It couldn't be THAT hard to manipulate a group of people who grasp onto something like parades to base insults upon.

Here's another radio talking point I've heard a few times;

"I hope Saban puts this seven finger picture in the locker room to motivate the players!",

I can see some logic behind this, but it's probably not a good idea. Can you imagine what it must be like for Alabama players to lose the Iron Bowl and return to their locker room only to see a picture of Tuberville mocking them? This has already happened before, and Alabama fans still seem to still think it's a good idea.

If they do post the image, they'll need to make sure the picture isn't up when recruits visit the locker room.

Recruit: “What's that picture?”

Saban: “Oh thats our nemesis, Tommy Tuberville. He's arrogantly predicting his seventh win over Alabama while being thrust on the shoulders of America's military members who he just lead to victory. If you sign with us, you'll help us put an end to the fun loving shenanigans of Tommy Tuberville and Auburn University... you DO hate fun, don't you?”

Beyond the ethical questions brought up by practicing subliminal brainwashing – I have no problem with Tuberville holding up the seven fingers while on his trip to the Middle East. As always, there's a chance I could be wrong about the brainwashing. Maybe Tuberville has found success in life by being talented, dedicated, and hard working. And MAYBE Tuberville quickly threw up the seven fingers because he was simply joking around with some servicemen and had no outside intent.

Even though Tuberville did nothing wrong by holding up seven fingers in the Middle East, I hope he doesn't visit any children's hospitals in Tuscaloosa anytime soon.

War Eagle!

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com
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