There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging Alabama’s past success. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the hilarity of their current state. Following Auburn football is more entertaining because of the existence of Alabama. “But I don’t care what Alabama does! I only care about Auburn!” This is the biggest lie I hear fans say on a regular basis. College football is completely about your team’s status in relation to all other teams. If all other colleges abandoned their football programs, none of us would care about Auburn’s football program. Is this a perfect system?

Hey, why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

No. Sometimes it’s wrong to take pleasure from the pain felt by a group of people who think investing in Bear Bryant commemorative Coke bottles is a sound retirement strategy. But hey, it’s the world we live in and we should be very thankful for all Alabama has done. For those of you who missed it, here’s a seven word summary of Alabama Football in 2007;

“Process. Coonass. Textbook. 9/11 Pearl Harbor. Six.”

Awesome.

Honestly, I’m having a hard time disliking Nick Saban. I don’t think he understood what he was getting himself into when he took the Alabama job. I’m sure he thought something along the lines of, “Well, I was able to deal with LSU fans successfully. How much worse can Bama fans be? I love a challenge!”

ALL offensive coordinators are subject to Muschamp suprise attacks.

Based on what he knew at the time and the huge contract with no buyout sitting in front of him – I can’t blame him for taking the deal. I’m sure the reality of the situation sat in once he sat foot in Tuscaloosa and realized how different of a place it is. From looking at Tuscaloosa, one would think there’s a city ordinance forbidding anyone renovating anything within a one mile radius of any restaurant Bear Bryant dined in. The city is basically a populated 1970s ghost town. There’s a good reason why Mal Moore had Saban sign his contract in Miami. I try to wonder what I’d do if I were Mal Moore and wanted to bring Alabama “back”. Hiring Nick Saban was a good decision because he was the best coach available and that’s exactly what Alabama desperately needed.

Saban’s resume was far superior to anyone else’s since he actually BEAT Tommy Tuberville 40% of the time they competed against each other (that’s almost HALF!). This fact alone justified paying Saban twice the going rate for a football coach at an elite football school.

When it comes to bringing Alabama “back”, I can’t fault Mal Moore. I can’t fault Saban. There’s simply no solution to the “How to bring Bama back?” question… they must simply submit to Tommy Tuberville.

How bad are things for Alabama these days? Things are so bad, when they fantasize about horrible things happening to Auburn, they imagine Texas A&M stealing Tuberville. That’s all they can come up with – something that happened to them a few years ago.

So what’s Alabama’s excuse this year? From what I’ve heard, Saban lost because he’s dealing with Shula’s recruits. Apparently, Mike Shula purposely recruited sissy mama’s boys who can’t deal with the toughness Nick Saban.

Blah. At what point will Alabama just say, “We inherently suck” ? Frankly, that’s all I want them to say. It’s basically my ‘goal’ as a football fan even though it’ll never happen – there will always be an excuse.

But, it’s for the best.

College football is like an induction motor. The conflict between two schools like Alabama and Auburn is like a strong magnetic field. However, it takes more than just a magnetic field placed inside coil to cause a motor to turn. It takes a change in the magnetic field to cause a motor to turn. Wins, losses, excuses, contract extensions… they’re all things that change the dynamics of a conflict between two teams and cause the speed of the rotating magnetic field (Auburn) and the speed of the rotor (Alabama) to be different. This change induces a current which causes the motor to work. A motor drives fans. College football dives fans as well.

If Alabama submitted to Auburn and quit, there’d be no more change and the ‘fans’ would stop. Change can happen through alternating wins (like with Texas and Texas A&M) or though one team dominating the other team and the other team responding by paying their coaches a lot more money (Auburn and Alabama). I like the second one best.

War Eagle!

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com

Auburn Tickets? (sponsor)