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by Mark
3-14-07
| Why
do so many college football fans refuse to admit that being a fan is a
ridiculous, petty and mostly pointless hobby? The model train hobbyist
doesn’t have illusions of his model city being a huge contributor
to the GDP. Why must the football fan lie to himself and say garbage like;
“Every fall, young warriors put on their armor and step onto the
gridiron to blah blah blah….” just in order to justify their
fandom? These people need to realize that it’s ok to have a hobby
that doesn’t actually ‘matter’. Since
as long as I can remember, I’ve participated in irrational hero
adoration (ghostbusters lead to ninja turtles which lead to the hard
stuff… Auburn football). However, there’s no need for flawed
rationalization and there’s no need to regret being a football
fan because it’s for fun and it’s not hurting anyone. It’s
a hobby! |
 People I've enjoyed not liking through the years. |
Finebaum and ESPN admit that their product is mindless and should only be consumed for fun. That’s why Finebaum and ESPN are awesome and cable news is disgusting.
 |
Proof of this can be seen by watching tapes of Keith Olbermann on sports center and watching tapes of Keith Olbermann on MSNBC. Same act, same pompous and hateful demeanor, different topics. I was passively watching CNN the other day and I kept hearing the word ‘fascism’. Realizing I didn’t know what the word really meant outside the fact that the Nazis were fascists, I did some quick internet searching. There are plenty of definitions, but college football fandom fit every definition. Wikipedia says fascism is usually found within the following forms; |
Nationalism (Go
team!)
Authoritarianism (coaches and the board of trustees)
Militarism (remember the ‘young warriors putting on armor’?)
Corporatism (what’s the name of the bowl we’re going to?)
Collectivism (War Eagle!)
Once again, it’s ok because our fandom is only a hobby. I doubt Al Borges will not lead us to invade Poland anytime soon. Footballofascim is a legitimate and safe hobby.
We fans complain about the ‘bias’ media outlets like ESPN show, but the truth is we love it. Imagine how horrible it would be if ESPN’s Gameday crew actually consisted of competent and analytical minds. We’d spend half the Saturday listening to percentages and conditioning reports. Screw that. Give me Lee Corso and Lou Holtz with their irrational babble any day of the week. Lee Corso has picked Alabama to win the Iron Bowl four of the past five years, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
| An
accurate litmus test to gauge the sanity of a football fan is to ask which
movie was more inspirational; Rudy or The Waterboy? The correct answer is The Waterboy. Rudy is not an inspirational movie. Movie Summary: Rudy wasn’t a talented football player, but he wanted to play football for Notre Dame so he worked hard. Four years passed and Rudy was still a bad football player. The other players feel sorry for him since he worked hard and still sucks and the coach lets him play a few downs. Movie ends. |
 Why did Winkler's character remind me of Pat Dye? |
Rudy isn’t
an inspirational movie; it’s about a guy who sought and received charity
for himself. That’s the exact opposite of inspirational.
It’s the equivalent of watching a movie about a crack whore trying to
get pregnant so she can collect more welfare - then calling it inspirational
because she followed her dream.
The people who say Rudy is an inspirational movie are the same people who literally become angry at high school football players for changing their mind when it comes to which school they sign a scholarship for. It amazes me how people become angry at someone for acting in his own best interest and not in the best interest of a school they don’t even attend. People get really angry when a coach acts in his best interest.
Franchonie saw the inevitable train wreck on the horizon at Alabama and jumped off as soon as possible. Obviously, he could have jumped in a more dignified manner but I thank him for adding hilarity to the situation. On the Auburn side, Terry Bowden was put in a no win situation due to events outside his control, so he made a decision to leave which was in his best interest.
Tommy Tuberville was put in a similar situation as Bowden in 2003, but he didn’t take the route most of us mortals would take. After hearing word that he may be fired soon, he grabbed his gun and went into hiding deep in the Tennessee woods. David Housel, being the savvy Athletic Director he was, wisely told the media Tuberville was out “hunting” when in reality he was devising a plot to overthrow his coup and become king of Auburn.
Do you see what I just did? I told a story about Tommy Tuberville while being heavy on obvious hyperbole. That’s another difference between ‘Waterboy fans’ and ‘Rudy fans’ - hyperbole. It’s not uncommon to hear an Alabama fan say that Bear Bryant was the greatest man to ever live. Unfortunately, they literally believe this.
In a way, fans of wrestling have the right idea. Wrestling is 100% fake and their fans know this and yet pretend like it’s important. It seems dumb to me, but the fans seem to be having fun and that’s the point of their hobby. Fun. Don’t kid yourself, due to media hype and the fans, 80% of the college football events which happen off field are ‘fake’.
That’s why I love Auburn football. Auburn’s administration and fans seem to have an inherent understanding of this. Ask an Alabama fan about tradition and he’ll tell you crap about how Alabama taught him to be a champion and how to have class. In reality he was taught to be a consumer of Alabama merchandise. Ask an Auburn fan about tradition and he’ll tell you about rolling trees and flying an eagle around the stadium, not because it has to do with the mascot, but merely because it’s freakin’ awesome. Granted, the Auburn fan is also trained to consume merchandise, but the emphasis is on fun, not lies.
WAR EAGLE!
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E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com
