Auburn VS Ashlee Simpson
1-7-05
By: Mark

Usually, it’s hard to win the Sugar Bowl and still be able to claim that you’ve been shorted. However that’s the predicament the Auburn football team has been put in. It must be frustrating for the players to have so little to gain and so much to lose with every game in the past few months. But the fact remains, Auburn’s 13-0 despite everything and until someone proves me otherwise, Auburn has won the national championship.

Just ask California, who was put in a “nothing to win, everything to lose” situation in their bowl game. They got beat by Texas Tech, and California was supposedly screwed over more by the BCS than Auburn according to the media. Auburn didn’t lock under the same pressure.

The media understands that college football isn’t an exact science, but they make a living out of pretending it is. Lee Corso, after “seeing Auburn live in living color” against Tennessee in the SEC Championship game, decided to take us out of the Orange Bowl. After the Orange Bowl, Auburn was all of a sudden defiantly #2… why couldn’t have they figured that out a few weeks earlier?

Ok, so none of that has anything to do with an original thought… but seriously, do you think that pretty-boy quarter back Matt Lienart could honestly manage to NOT be sacked by Stanley McClover like 8 or 9 times?

Do you honestly believe that Al Borges wouldn’t have spent the entire month of December coming up with ridiculously insane plays to destroy the defense of pretty-boy Pete Carroll? You know he’s been waiting to destroy the man since his California days.

USC hasn’t had to deal with the SEC all year and simply couldn’t handle our beastly defense. It’s just that simple.

Auburn would also take advantage of psychological aspects to the game. I doubt those in Southern California realize we have indoor plumbing in, much less an all around better University with better weather, a more beautiful campus, nicer people and hotter women.

Our players have overcome far more than ol’ Matt Leinart, no USC game has been broadcasted this year in which something wasn’t said about the fact that Matt was fat and once wore thick glasses, and how he’s such a wonderful person for overcoming the odds of being fat and wearing glasses. Please. Talk to Auburn’s starting lineup if you want to hear some REAL back-stories.

So what happens when a game is hyped by ESPN as the “greatest college match-up” of all time? Well, obviously you have to call Ashlee Simpson up and have her sing at halftime. Why? Because over-hyped singers must sing at over-hyped football games.

So what happens when one teams mercilessly beats another in the most over-hyped game ever played? The winner is instantly declared a dynasty (you know, like Miami 2 years ago, and Nebraska before that), and Lee and Kirk spread blood over their chests and claim USC the grand force behind the whole universe. Or something like that… college football is just screwed up like that.

I’m hearing that there’s a scandal brewing from the Fanspoll.com voting. Looks like USC might’ve actually won that too. Oh well, no matter what happens, theauburner.com has named the Auburn Tigers the 2004 National Champions. Yeah, we’re biased, but so is the AP, but we’re not afraid the admit it. Now go make your rings.

War Eagle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Mark can be contacted at mark@theauburner.com