Auburn will be playing at full speed. The federal government forbids Tuberville from allowing Tray Blackmon and Antonio Coleman to blitz Kodi Burns. Scientists with the Environmental Protection Agency claim that since Kodi Burns is, by definition, unable to be sacked – and since Blackmon and Coleman are incapable of allowing a quarterback to gain positive yards – a direct face-off could possibly result in atoms being slammed together with such incredible force that the result could create tiny black hole capable of sending the planet into a parallel universe. Government restrictions resulted in a boring A-day, but a boring A-day is better than the world ceasing to exist. When Fall arrives, Auburn will finally be able to play lesser opponents which would eliminate, or greatly reduce, this threat.

The Defense. As you go through life, you may encounter someone who says to you “offense sells tickets but defense wins championships” - don't believe this horrible lie. Football fans are a sadistic bunch who realize that if you don't have a particular attachment to a team playing – it's way more satisfying to watch a guy get hit than to watch a guy run, throw or catch. Thinking otherwise is simply unamerican. If you like running, throwing and catching – go watch baseball with your other hippie liberal commie friends.

So, despite what anybody says, The Spread will not affect the entertainment level of a football game. Auburn's defense already brings the football viewing experience to their maximum possible levels. No matter how much more exciting the spread makes a football game, the Auburn defense will still be the same group of men who bring happiness to Tiger fans by delivering, by hand, doom to offenses three downs at a time.

The Spread. At first, I was skeptical. However, after extensive research, I've concluded that the spread offense is awesome and Auburn can tear up SEC defenses with it. When I say I did “extensive research” I mean I read a few wikipedia entries and I spent the better part of a Saturday afternoon playing NCAA Football 2008 using Troy's playbook with Auburn's team on my brother-in-law's X-Box.

Kodi Burns (or “Kaybles”) is the perfect quarterback to run this system. Why? Because I keep hearing people say that. Apparently, being good at throwing footballs to open receivers and running away from defensive linemen are talents which can only be utilized in a spread offense.

I'm having a hard time understanding why Chris Todd is still in the quarterback race. Tony Franklin “lands” some junior college transfer who was once almost good enough to be on Texas Tech's scout team and this somehow means he's awesome. Even in JUCO, he only completed 49% of his passes. He'll be the first Auburn football player since 2005 who has a memory of once losing to Alabama (2005 Cotton Bowl – he was a RS Freshman at Texas Tech). That's bad mojo. Remember 2002? Back then, we had a hotshot offensive coordinator and two quarterbacks competing for the starting position. The older quarterback was said to have a “better head on his shoulders” while the younger one was faster and had a stronger arm. They rotated and Auburn went 9-4. Chris Todd may be Daniel Cobb reincarnated. Todd and Cobb rhyme. Do you need more proof than that?

Vigilante Justice. Vigilante justice is a horrible, horrible thing in real life. It claims innocent lives and is often the result of other innocent lives being ruined. It's complicated, it's messy, and in the end, nobody is happy. However, in the pretend world of TV, movies, video games and college football, vigilante justice is awesome and fun to watch.

Nick Saban's players have been committing crimes all over T-Town. These crimes have been going mostly unpunished by the respective authorities. Tommy Tuberville “punishes” Alabama every November. In a way, that makes Tommy Tuberville a vigilante.

It'll be far more fun to talk about Tuberville as a vigilante over the next five months rather than discuss the frequency tight ends will run slants during the upcoming season. In the scheme of things either topic is equally relevant.

Which of these is not like the other? TRICK QUESTION! They're all EXACTLY THE SAME.

Early season predictions? I think Auburn players will assault people with deadly weapons. Not literally though. Auburn will metaphorically assault their opponents and steal $26 from them War Eagle!

E-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com

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