I have nothing against Jay Jacobs, I think he has done a great job
as Auburn’s athletic director. However, I’m certain I
could do a better job. Sure, I may not know anything about business,
public communications, athletics or management. I might not know anything
about the inner workings of Auburn’s athletic department...
and heck, until a month ago, I thought “equestrian” was
a swimming event. Yet, despite all of this, I am a college football
fan. And like all college football fans, I’ve been blessed with
the delusion that I’d be an awesome football coach, color commentator,
sports writer or athletic director if only given the chance.
following are my first decrees as Auburn’s athletic director;
biggest change I’ll try to implement is to convince Auburn
to create the nation’s first ‘College of Athletics’
which would allow students, particularly football players, to choose
majors like Football and Basketball. I’ve addressed this before,
but I will again. Why are football players forced to attend Sociology
classes when their professional interests are in football? This
is not fair to the student, the teacher, or the rest of the class.
So why is it done? It’s done to please people who have very
specific ideals for the “student athlete” as someone
who plays for the love of the game and not for the love of money.
Incredibly, when it comes to football, people think if someone’s
working towards a profession, they’re doing it for the love
of money and not for enjoyment.
is ridiculous. What percentage of accountants do their job for the
love of accounting? I bet it’s lower than the percentage of
highly paid NFL players who love their jobs.
obvious argument against my idea is that a football major isn’t
very scholarly or academic. It’s true, but in my mind, these
athletic degrees would be just as academically valid as dance, music
or theater performance degrees.
this would benefit everybody. Players would be happy because they’d
have an option to learn more about subjects they enjoy (they would
still be required to put up with all the boring core classes we
all have to go through). Teachers wouldn’t have to deal with
football players who don’t want to be in their class. Everyone’s
happy. On a more selfish level, I wonder if having a ‘College
of Athletics’ would allow Auburn to ignore NCAA scholarship
limits since we could just call the entire team’s scholarships
Computer generated image of proposed
realize the ‘College of Athletics’ idea can’t
be a good idea since I’ve never heard it before –
I just can’t figure out why.
I’ve noticed dogs on the sidelines before, but never had
given them much attention before one bit Jerraud Powers at the
Iron Bowl. Obviously, they’re not bomb sniffing dogs since
they were stationary the whole game. They definitely aren’t
drug dogs since they didn’t bother [insert favorite Alabama
player name here]. So what’s the purpose? According to
Auburn, they’re there to discouraging students from rushing
the field. There’s nothing wrong with the administration
wanting people stay off the field after the game - but to use
the threat of dog maulings is wrong. As Athletic Director here’s
my idea for a better deterrent - flaming goal posts.
Special goal posts will be made and installed with tiny holes
spread throughout which will shoot out orange and blue flames
after Auburn wins a game. Nobody’s going to touch a flaming
goal post. Furthermore, a flaming goal post looks way more awesome
than a snarling police dog.
topic recently has been Tuberville’s contract. Most contracts
give the coach a bonus for taking the team to a conference championship
game or winning a championship. These bonuses are practically worthless.
The money other schools are willing to pay to lure away a recent
SEC championship coach is worth far more than the fifty grand bonus
given by the coach’s current employer. Making the championship
bonus larger than 50,000 is worthless because coaches are already
motivated to do their best because they want better deals in the
because you pay a coach $4,000,000 a year doesn’t mean he’s
worth $4,000,000 a year.
Tuberville, I’d offer a two million dollar base salary with
a bonus along with each win. Each win’s bonus will increase
exponentially and wins don’t have to be consecutive. If Tuberville
goes 0-11 he just makes the base two million. If he goes undefeated,
he gets $3,999,999 (we’d need some room to keep making fun
of Saban). Unlike the championship bonuses, these would not be an
incentive for Tuberville to win – instead, it would give the
people who complain about Tuberville not caring about certain games
less to complain about.
I were athletic director during the 2004 season, many things would’ve
been handled differently. Auburn had a pretty good opportunity to
weaken the credibility of the BCS by simply declaring themselves
the 2004 National Champions. I’m not talking about accepting
trophies from kids with websites or the Eufaula Tribune. I think
Auburn should’ve simply declared themselves national champions.
caught some flack for having giving rings to the team with “National
Champions” printed on them. Auburn’s problem was in
doing this quietly. Auburn should’ve been much more public
about how they had the rings made and should’ve mentioned
that the rings were bigger than the ones USC team members received.
It’d all be done with our tongue in our cheek, basically trying
to devalue the BCS system, not by fighting it, but ignoring it.
also have banners placed in the stadium and had all the local shirt
companies produces “2004 National Champions” shirts.
Keep in mind this is not using the Alabama strategy of retroactively
declaring one or two loss teams champions, but declaring the current
undefeated SEC team champions. Considering the teams who made it
to the championship game the past two years, it’s weird to
think that people told Auburn they didn’t make it to the game
because they beat The Citadel.
plan would come full circle in the hopefully near future when Tuberville
leads Auburn to a legitimate BCS championship. After he wins the
big game, I’ll have him accept the crystal trophy and then
spike it into the ground shattering it into thousands of pieces
on live television. I imagine shattering the crystal football will
have an effect similar to when Frodo threw that ring into that volcano
– all BCS evil will magically vanish.
the evil BCS spirits are killed off, a new championship declaring
system will be put into place.
the idea anyways….
title for this article might have been “Why the Auburn family
should make sure I NEVER ever become Auburn’s athletic director.”