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TheAuburner's 11 Step Guide to Recovery
by Ryan and Mark
3-6-07
Hello Ryan,
My name is Ken and I'm from Huntsville, AL. and I really do enjoy the site you guys do. I have a problem and I am almost ashamed to admit this but my wife is a bammer and I think I need some kind of intervention or something. I knew this when I married her and I have been working on her for five years now but I think I need some help from experts. What advise do you wise prophets of orange and blue have?
Her name is Connie and I think it may not be to late to rescue her from the dark side of the “[[[Racial Expletive made famous by Saban deleted]]].” Thanks and you guys have a great day, War Eagle!!!!!!!
Ken,
Bless you sir. Your honesty and courage will not go unrewarded. Luckily, I have developed an 11-step process to help save your wife.
1. Why Eleven Steps? Shouldn’t it be twelve? That is the first step to recovery. Help your Bammer friend, whom you love, to reach deep within herself and get over the number 12. Alabama fan’s vocabulary has slowly been reduced to three terms: Bear, “moooo,” and twelve. All used for the sole purpose of defending themselves against progress.
2. Don't be a hypocritical redneck. Alabama fans and Auburn fans love to call each other rednecks. Auburn is called 'redneck' because we have a huge College of Agriculture. Alabama is considered redneck because they embody everything that's wrong with culture in the south. It is critical to help her understand that being a hypocritical redneck is bad.
| 3.
Realize what you look like. When Alabama fans look in the mirror,
they honestly see America’s elite class. What the world sees, is
the gentleman on the right. Does your wife know what who she is associated with? 4. Live life without The Bear. If you take the two most influential football icons from each school, Paul “Bear” Bryant and Bo Jackson, Bo is much more awesome. The Bear was one of the greatest coaches in college football history; meanwhile, Bo Jackson was one of the best college football, best Pro Football, best Pro Baseball players ever. |
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If you look at a helpful site called “Google Trends,” you’ll find that the only people who care about The Bear are Bammers. No one under the age of 40 who lives outside of Alabama cares who The Bear was. On the other hand, Bo Jackson is much more popular overall, as well as having a spread influence across the entire country. And even though is better than the Bear, Auburn fans still don’t worship him. Not only do Bammers still worship their lesser god, they are ecstatic about it. We aren’t asking your wife to worship Bo, because that’s ridiculous, we are just asking her to stop worshipping The Bear, because that is even more ridiculous.
5. Compose yourelf when cameras are around.
6. Look at these:
Some beautiful
aerial hi-res photographs of Auburn’s campus (Thanks Sean K):
Auburn 1
Auburn 2
Auburn 3
Auburn
4
Auburn
5
And here’s a photo of Tuscaloosa in the Fall:
7. Learn to celebrate things after they ACTUALLY happen. The Alabama way of doing things, is to assume the best and immediately declare it a reality. Alabama has been “back” four or five times in the past 4 years, without ever really coming back. Auburn, on the other hand, accomplishes great feats, and then celebrates.
8. Traditions only count if you are still doing it. Alabama cannot literally claim that 'winning' is a tradition if they no longer do it.
9. Understand that your most famous Alumni is a fictional character with an IQ of 75. No, I’m not talking about Joe Namath. Forrest Gump set the standard for generating public pity for the Crimson Tide.
10. You are not a national power. When the world hears “War Eagle” they think of Auburn. When the world hears “Crimson Tide” they think of Denzel Washington. Ever since ESPN's Mark May accidently made a comment about Auburn being in Georgia, Alabama fans have enjoyed declaring superiority because people actually know the state Alabama is located in. I think it’s a compliment that people who know of Auburn’s reputation aren’t sure of the state it's in. Auburn’s reputation transcends the state of Alabama. Can you name the states every Ivy League school is in?
11. Determine good from evil. Alabama has become all things that represent evil. In the past year, Alabama has fully endorsed publicly lying (Saban), greed (Saban, Moore), undermining education (Moore, Tuscaloosa’s high school graduation ratio), driving under the influence (Shula suspending players for powder-puff games only). Auburn represents all that is good. Auburn started the trend of walking with interlocked arms onto the field, emphasizing teamwork (yes, Auburn invented teamwork). Tuberville suspended three starters for illegal activity THRU the LSU game (and kept another through Florida)! You must help your wife understand that she is currently aligned with the forces of evil, let alone the losing team.
E-mail Ryan at ryan@theauburner.comE-mail Mark at mark@theauburner.com
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