Date : Simmons Hazelrig
I’ve been an avid
follower of the Miss Auburn race for quite a long time now, in fact, I considered
applying myself at one point, but then they told me I couldn’t because
I was a guy. I guess someone had to break it to me at some point. Anyways,
I’ve been keeping up with this year’s race and I’d just
like to say that you inspire me. But since I already know a lot about you,
I think that it’s only fair that I tell you a little bit about me. My
name is Ryan Stephens (you can call me Shooter McGavin if you want) and I
am a third year Mechanical Engineering major. I have attached a picture of
myself for you, I cannot apologize enough for my natural appearance. I like
to hunt for fish and I also enjoy beef jerky and ice cream (not mixed).
So I see you are in a Sorority, that is awesome! I’m in a frat, have
you ever heard of Pi Omega Omikron Tau (POOT). Yeah, we are pretty popular.
I’m also blessed with an uncanny poetic ability, but I hardly ever get
the chance to write. So I’m going to honor you with a Haiku dedicated
solely to you, which I have NEVER done for anyone else. It’s titled
I love all children
Even the real ugly ones
Sans Dakota Fanning
Chances are, you get asked
out by guys all the time, but please give me a chance! I feel that going on
a date with me would be quite beneficial to you! I have attached a flow chart
that shows how cool you will be once you start dating me vs. how cool you
won’t be by not doing so.
I’m sorry but a lot of people will be upset if you father my child,
thus the loss of cool points. It’s actually outlawed for me to reproduce
a couple of states. Anyways, if you could find it in your heart, I would love
to take you out to the Olive Garden, where we can eat all the lasagna and
Ravioli our mind can fathom. We can talk about how important it is to mentor
children nowadays. I’ve actually taught several kids valuable lessons,
such as not running at the pool, or skim-boarding, or climbing tall trees
because I have broken a bone doing each of those things, each of which was
in front of numerous children. Welp, Valentine’s Day is among us and
it would be my pleasure to treat you to some Italian food. I’m looking
forward to your response and good luck in the Miss Auburn race!
Hope to hear from you soon,
Ryan (Danko Nino for short)
I am absolutely flattered that you would take the time to write me a love
letter. It is nice to know that people actually care about my platform. Your
poem left me breathless. The lessons you have taught children are very important.
You are definitely teaching through example which is always better than words.
I am glad to see that you think I am cooler now than I was in middle school,
but sad to see that if I had your child my coolness level would decrease drasticly.
I promise I would not have a child like Dakota Fanning. Thank you again for
the letter. I hope you will DIG HAZELRIG on February 15th!
Much Love and War Eagle,
I’ve read all the platforms
of each of the candidates for the upcoming Miss Auburn election, and yours
is by far the best. In fact, I’m a little intimidated by your writing
skills and social prowess. So this is going to sound a little weird, considering
you’ve never met me, so let me tell you about myself first. My name
is Ryan Stephens (you can call me Turkish Delight if you want) and I am a
third year Mechanical Engineering major. I love to dance and write poetry,
but I’m not a hippie or homosexual! So I’m like the perfect guy!
You don’t believe me? Well eat this:
Time flows like Snoop Dogg
Wake and bake, Round and Pound it
I push rhymes like weight
Well anyways, since I don’t
feel that I have impressed you enough, I’m going to send
you my resume as well as a letter of recommendation
from one of my ex-girlfriends. Needless to say, you will be greatly swooned
by this information. But in all seriousness, I would really enjoy it if you
joined me for so good Italian eating at Olive Garden, my treat! We can talk
about volunteering and helping out the Auburn community to make it a better
place! Or we can talk about anything else, such as our birthdates and how
great we look! Well I’m very much looking forward to your response and
I wish you the best of luck in the Miss Auburn race.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Ryan (Ryann for short)